The Holidays Clarify Our Pain

I have spent my fair share of Christmases crying under the Christmas tree in the dark, staring at the lights on the tree dreaming of the Christmas I want rather than the Christmas I have. This Christmas, I am joyfully anticipating family time, and I thank God that I don't anticipate crying under the tree this year. But I've had enough lonely Christmases in the past, longing for something different, to respect the fact that many of you who follow this blog are entering a season that puts a harsh spotlight on the losses in your life. Perhaps you lost something you had -- a child, a spouse, a parent, a relationship. Perhaps you feel the loss of something you long to have but have not yet gotten to hold -- infertility, singleness.

The holidays clarify our pain. They make it very clear exactly what we are longing for and exactly what we are mourning. It is very hard to distract ourselves from our losses during this season. If you find yourself in this place, spotlight shining on your losses so that you can not escape the pain whether sitting under the tree, singing a carol, buying a gift, or opening a present, here are some thoughts from someone who has been there before.

1) It's ok to feel your loss. Despite what you likely sense, everyone else is not enjoying the holidays unconditionally. You are not alone in your loneliness. There is not something wrong with you. Or actually, there is something wrong, but there is something wrong with all of us. So don't let the feelings of isolation go unanswered in your own head. You may feel that you are alone and no one else understands the weight of your loss you carry through the holidays, but the truth is that MANY of your brothers and sisters in Christ are carrying such burdens and you are not alone in your loss.

2) Holiday pain can also clarify what you do have. Screw turkeys and cranberry sauce. Forget gifts given and received. Stocking stuffers are over rated. Instead, understand that your circumstances also shine a spotlight on Christ. When you aren't distracted by (or enamored by as many of us are) Christmas frivolities, we recognize the void that can only be filled by one thing -- Christ Himself. It was during lonely Christmases that I discovered Colossians 1 and sat under a tree reading it to myself. It sustained me, not just for a season, but I've gone back to that passage for a lifetime.

I'll leave you with Colossians 1, this passage that tells us exactly Who arrived in the manger that night. As the holidays spotlight the pain of your losses, I encourage you to let God's description of His Son shine an alternate spotlight on all you have in Him this season.

15 He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. 16 For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. 17 And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. 19 For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.

21 And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, 22 he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him,

May your holiday season clarify your identity in Christ alone. See you in the New Year.

Bust Your Windows

Sometimes, I receive interesting insight from the juxtaposition between life in our fallen world and our simultaneous life in the Body of Christ. I was listening to the song classically titled, Bust a Window, and noted it's portrayal of revenge to the extreme.

I bust the windows out ya car
And no it didn't mend my broken heart
I'll probably always have these ugly scars
But right now I don't care about that part

...
I must admit it helped a little bit
To think of how you'd feel when you saw it
I didn't know that I had that much strength
But I'm glad you see what happens when...

You see can't just play with people's feelings
Tell them you love them and don't mean it
You'll probably say that it was juvenile
But I think that I deserve to smile

...
But it don't bring comfort to my broken heart
You could never feel how I felt that day
Until it happens baby you don't know pain

...
You broke my heart
So I broke ya car
You caused me pain
So I did the same

Even though all that you did to me was much worse
I had to do something to make you hurt yeah
Oh but why am I still cryin'?
Why am I the one whose still cryin'?

Ah, so classic! A precise, though poorly edited, look at betrayal and retribution. It makes sense -- they hurt me, I hurt them. The retribution only brought a brief sense of satisfaction. In the end, she's still crying. Retribution doesn't fix anything.

In contrast, I am reading Unpacking Forgiveness by Chris Braun. I love the subtitle of the book, "Biblical Answers for Complex Questions and Deep Wounds." The questions are complex, and Chris doesn't shirk away from the really tough questions.

He gives a really great summary of how to go about seeking forgiveness (whether you are the offended party or the offending party -- both are tasked by Jesus with making the first move).

1) Keep the circle small. "Argue your case with your neighbor himself, and do not reveal another's secret, lest he who hears you bring shame upon you, and your ill repute have no end." Prov. 25:9-10

2) Be gracious. "Being gracious means you are willing to grant forgiveness as a gift and you will not demand that the other person first pay a price." (p. 110)

3) No revenge, not even a little.

4) Listen first, and be prepared to ask forgiveness yourself.

5) Take the other person at his word.

6) Choose the time and place carefully.

7) Choose your words carefully.

8) Be patient and have modest expectations.

I was particularly moved and encouraged by Braun's words on numbers 4 and 5.

Forgiveness is seldom one-sided or simple. In a typical conflict, complex circumstances are involved. If you go to another person who has offended you, a good way to begin may be to say, "I have been so troubed by our interaction recently. It has really been on my heart. Have I done something to hurt you?" Then listen! Be humble. Don't react. Keep your cool. And if necessary, ask forgiveness in an unqualified way. p. 110

And

Do not try to determine the motives of another person's heart. If someone says to you, "I am sorry," take him at his word. "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (I Cor. 13:7). p. 111

There is a better way to deal with betrayal than busting a window out their car. Jesus has a way that is centered on and empowered by His sacrifice on the cross. And it brings real transformation. It meets us at the most wounded places in our heart. If you find yourself strugging with bitterness in a complex situation of sin and betrayal, I recommend Unpacking Forgiveness and The Peacemaker by Ken Sande

The Troll Who Torments My Children

Whenever a blog topic begins rolling around in my mind, I can usually count on being attacked and failing royally either right before or right after I post the article. But that’s okay. This blog is primarily a lecture to myself, and it’s good to have documented on it what I know to be true even when I fail and must repent.

Today’s post on the Troll who torments my children was inspired by a friend’s recent status update on facebook.

“I really don't like the unfriendly, unbending troll who takes my children to school each morning. I've fired her several times, but almost every morning, she shows up about 15 minutes before we leave, jangling my keys.”

Oh how I identified with my friend. And apparently so did many other friends, for that one little status update generated quite the conversation. That nagging, mean spirited troll shows up at my house all too regularly. I hate her! And she usually shows up shortly after I’ve felt some self-satisfaction at my skills at crisis management on a particular day. Then suddenly, something happens, that straw that breaks the camel’s back, and the bitch voice comes out of my mouth. I look back and think “Where did THAT come from?” But I know exactly where it came from. It came from ME. My mouth, and my heart. Often, I don’t realize the troll has appeared until my boys look at me with that crushed expression that shines a mirror on exactly who I’ve become and how I’ve hurt them. And in that moment, the self-condemnation kicks in big time. I hate her! But in reality, I know she’s just me.

The troll fades, leaving in her wake crushed spirits and much regret. And I have found only ONE salve to the devastation she leaves behind---gospel repentance. It's not worldly sorry that only brings regret and looks for something other than Christ to make me feel better. That may work for a time, but it won't bring real change. In that moment of sin, I have to preach the gospel to myself. In Christ, I am no longer this woman and she doesn't have the power over me that I am giving her. I confess to my children and repair with them what I have harmed. Then I can walk forward believing in the awesome power that gospel grace has over our sins. (and I repeat that in the evening when she shows up again, and the next morning, and so forth)

I hate being that troll. But cross-centered repentance and restoration with my children is really beautiful. They are learning the gospel by watching me repent. And I see them better understanding repentance for themselves when they sin against each other. I would much rather them not learn repentance from watching me having to repent after repeated sins. But I am so thankful for the good news of all Christ has accomplished on the cross, for it alone can pick me up after another crushing defeat by the troll and turn it into something of gospel significance. And in Him, I have confidence that one day I’ll kick her butt into a place of irrelevance. Some days even now, I actually see her coming and start pelting her with gospel truths until she turns and runs for her life. Until the day that she is totally eradicated, I repent, and in light of the gospel, that alone becomes the lancing of my festering wound that begins the process of healing.

Luke 5:32 I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.

2 Cor. 7:10 For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.

Women, Children, Infertility, and God

In my Christian circles, I hear a lot about how feminism has diminished the high calling women have as wives and mothers. I saw a sign at a local community college that said, “a woman’s place in on the jobsite.” It was advertising a forum for women on careers in technical fields. But it was an obvious take off on the saying, “a woman’s place is in the home.” I feel pretty confident in the choices we have made for our own family, so I don’t resent such statements much one way or the other. But one thing I have noted is that in Christian circles, we often tend to overcompensate in our attempts to correct whatever wrong thinking we diagnose in our culture.

In regards to our role as women, I see a trend among conservative Christian women in feminist cultures to overcompensate by placing an emphasis on children and home that goes beyond what God intended and instructs. I’ve long thought that a husband and children can become an idol in a Christian woman’s life just as quickly as any feminist goal we are reacting against (I know this because I've been there, done that). I don’t think we ever really understand our idols until they are threatened. That’s when our responses indicate whether they or our God are our identity and security. We MUST differentiate clearly between being a good steward of the gifts God gives us and elevating those gifts to a place of idolatry. Do you stress over what kind of meal to bring to the sick? Is your identity tied to how well you impress the person who receives your meal? Are you embarrassed to have others to your house because it doesn’t meet a perceived standard of hospitality? When your child acts out at playdate, are you humiliated? Do you beat yourself up? Or if you do not have husband, child, or house, do you feel that your life is in a holding pattern until they come along? Are you secure on who you are IN CHRIST? Does it sustain you even when you can't, despite your best efforts, live up to the perceived standard in your Christian culture of what a godly Christian woman looks like?

I’ve posted before about singleness in our marriage centered Christian culture. I’d like to end this post with some particular thoughts on infertility. This is for those of you who value the high calling of motherhood and long to raise a brood to love Jesus. But despite your good desire, you are coming to realize your powerlessness to make this happen. How do you not just exist, but live abundantly, in a culture that values children so much? Do you know enough of the character of your God to believe deeply in His goodness despite these circumstances?

If You Were Coming In The Fall
By Emily Dickinson

If you were coming in the fall,
I'd brush the summer by
With half a smile and half a spurn,
As housewives do a fly.

If I could see you in a year,
I'd wind the months in balls,
And put them each in separate drawers,
Until their time befalls.

If only centuries delayed,
I'd count them on my hand,
Subtracting till my fingers dropped
Into Van Diemen's land.

If certain, when this life was out,
That yours and mine should be,
I'd toss it yonder like a rind,
And taste eternity.

But now, all ignorant of the length
Of time's uncertain wing,
It goads me, like the goblin bee,
That will not state its sting.

Dickinson must have been long acquainted with the frustration of waiting. Though likely written about a lost love, her poem well articulates the annoying problem of waiting for a child with no indication of when (if ever) your wait will be over. If you have been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant, you have likely experienced feelings similar to the bee Dickinson describes that flies about your head threatening its sting but never fulfilling its threat. Wouldn’t you just rather KNOW? Many couples go for years without getting pregnant with no documentable problem with either spouse. What do you do? How long do you wait? Should you try to adopt?

God often uses WAITING in Scripture to accomplish His purposes. Lamentations 3:25 promises that the Lord is good to those who WAIT on Him. But what do you do in the waiting? How do you deal with emotions and fears that buzz around your head threatening you like Dickinson’s goblin bee? Here are some common questions and concerns faced at this stage of life along with Scriptural answers for each.


1) “I prayed and I’m still not pregnant. I’m afraid God’s answer will be NO.”

God invites perseverance in prayer. The parable of the unjust judge in Luke 18 was given to us for the express purpose to teach us to not give up in prayer. Though God is sovereign over this process and has before the foundation of the world established His plan for our lives, He still invites us to nag Him in prayer. And in that persevering prayer, He promises a peace over our hearts and minds that will transcend our ability to understand. What a gracious God!

Philippians 4 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Luke 18 1Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. 2He said: "In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. 3And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary.'
4"For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care about men, 5yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!' "
6And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off?

2) “God isn’t good and He isn’t working for my good.”

Oh, but He is! God is notorious for using the worst of circumstances to work the best of things in His children’s lives. This is His trademark. Think of Job, Joseph, Hannah, Ruth, etc. He brings bad circumstances into our lives, forcing us to lose our life so that we may truly find it. Then He teaches us the meaning of true abundant living. Dying to ourselves is painful. But believe that the work He is performing in your life defies expectation. This is fundamentally Who our God is.

Romans 8 28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. 31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

Hebrews 11 1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ...6And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Matthew 10 37"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; 38and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

3) “Why did God give me a desire that He refuses to fulfill?”

The desire to be parents is certainly God-ordained. But desires out of line with sufficiency and satisfaction in Christ are devastating. God often uses unfulfilled desire in Scripture to accomplish His purposes. Consider Hannah’s classic example. Without her long unfulfilled desire, she would never have been willing to give her son up to service in God’s temple. No one can say for sure why God is allowing this unfulfilled desire in your heart. But you can trust that it is consistent with His character and that He is working in your desires to accomplish His will. Psalms 37 speaks of God’s working in and through our desires. But consider the context. The general exhortation of the chapter is to be patient and not worry when evil people seem to be winning and your desires are slow to be fulfilled.

Psalms 37 3 Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD ; trust in him and he will do this: ... 7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;

4) “There is no way I can be satisfied with this stage of life.”

Godly contentment is possible! At issue is the tension between actively pursuing the God-ordained act of raising children and resting contentedly in this waiting time. God is working good things in your life at this stage. This stage of infertility can be a sweet time of friendship and sharing in your marriage. It could be a time to minister to others in far away locations. Maybe God has called you to a time-consuming ministry in town you won’t be able to do later when you have children. Despite His waiting to fulfill your desire to have children, He has prepared works in advance for you that will contribute to a life of abundant joy—even at this stage.

Ephesians 2 10For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Philippians 4 11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

I Timothy 6 6But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.

Psalm 90 14 Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

5) “How much time and money should I spend seeking fertility? How far is too far?”

Short of creating embryos that will be discarded (some may disagree with me here), this decision is up to you, your spouse, and your conscience. There will be times for you to go forward with treatments and times for you to step away from the process. Only you can say at what point you stop trusting God and start trying to manipulate your way around His will. He is sovereign over this process, and He opens and closes the womb. Through His common grace, He has given doctors good knowledge on this subject. It’s always wise to be informed as long as that information doesn’t cause you to trust in man over God.

Psalm 20 7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.

Psalm 40 4 Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.

6) “I am bitter and jealous towards others inside and outside the church.”

These emotions are common but never justified. We must deal with them simply as the sin they are. In Christ, we are no longer slaves to sin. We have the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit working in us to conform us to the image of Christ. We DON’T have to give in to these sins. Rebuke yourself when you see this attitude surface. Repent to Christ and force yourself over the hurdle to be kind and honest to those you resent.

Genesis 30 1 When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she became jealous of her sister. So she said to Jacob, "Give me children, or I'll die!" 2 Jacob became angry with her and said, "Am I in the place of God, who has kept you from having children?"

Romans 13 13Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.

Romans 6 18You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

7) “How can I have a meaningful relationship with women who have not been through this struggle?”

If women who have not struggled with this issue seem to respond to you callously, give them the benefit of the doubt. Most likely, they are simply ignorant of the emotional battles you are facing. Educate them honestly about your situation. Women who love Christ will appreciate your honesty and want to come alongside you in support during this time. It is essential that church members mutually share individuals’ burdens. This speaks to the heart of what it means to be members of the Body of Christ. Paul was honest about the hardships he suffered so that his brothers and sisters in Christ would be unified with him in both the sufferings and the comfort of Christ.

I Corinthians 12
12The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ. ... 21The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" 22On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, 24while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

8) “I think God is punishing me.”

Many Scriptures already listed address this concern. God constantly works negative things in our lives for our good and His glory. The story of Job is the classic example of God bringing horrible circumstances in the life of a believer DESPITE his uprightness of character and obedience. According to Job 1, it is because of Job’s righteous character that he is picked for this burden. Satan accuses Job of obeying God only because God is good to Job. If God brings hardship to Job, Satan believes Job will reject God. So Job’s story is about proving God’s worthiness to Satan. In hardship or blessing, trial or glory, God is worthy of praise and adoration. Like Paul’s sufferings, God is working in your life to make known to heavenly powers that He is worthy of praise.

Ephesians 3 10His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, 11according to his eternal purpose which he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord. 12In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. 13I ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory.

Job 1 20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." 22 In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

I hope this gives food for thought for first making sure your desire for children is not idolatrous, and then second dealing with the phenonemon God often uses to change us into His image --- giving us a desire for something He says is very good and then making us WAIT for the fulfillment of that good desire.

Pink Fluffy Bunny Women's Bible Studies

Every third rainy Tuesday or so, my book ends up in the top 100 sellers on Amazon's Women's Christian Living section. That's the top 100 books selling on Amazon aimed at Christian women. It's a depressing section for me to read through. There is a lot of emotional fluff out there masquerading as Bible study -- stuff that quotes chick flicks and romance novels more than it does Scripture. Then there are some Bible studies that quote Scripture, but they don't deal with Scripture in context. They just pick and choose the verses that support their topical agenda. And that gets on my nerves as well. Even among the more conservative, reformed authors, the books tend to be singularly focused on the topic of women's roles. Where are the simple, focused Bible studies?

I am now reading a Bible study on Hebrews geared toward women that absolutely should be on that best seller list. It's called Hoping for Something Better by Nancy Guthrie. I have only just begun this study myself, but I have been blown away by it so far. Nancy does exactly what I think a Bible study geared toward women should do.

1) Walk STRAIGHT THROUGH Scripture! We have sold women in the church a lie -- that the stuff specific to them in Scripture is made up of a piecemeal compilation of small sections of Scripture from a few select places in the Old and New Testament. Ephesians 5:22 isn't the only Scripture particularly applicable to women in Ephesians. The WHOLE BOOK of Ephesians is written to women. Men too. But don't make the last part of Ephesians the only part we speak particularly to women. Stop it, women authors!! The women in your realm of influence need the whole counsel of Scripture. And they will benefit from hearing it from the perspective of a doctrinally sound, well grounded woman. I'm not at all saying that women can only learn from women, but I do believe that there are some perspectives that we can best communicate with each other.

2) Relate Scripture back to the real issues facing women! Nancy has walked through great hardship and does a very good job of relating to women at the heart of our insecurities and fears. And she shows why Hebrews is relevant to these issues. There is no pink fluffy bunny content here.

As I talk with women in various locations of various Christian backgrounds, I get the feeling that women really do want more than topically driven fluffy bunny Bible studies. I don't think they sell very well currently and so publishers don't seem to realize the value of these types of studies. If people start using Nancy's study of Hebrews, I hope 2 things will happen. First, I think you and the women in your study will grow in Christ and your understanding of His Word. Second, I think publishers might realize this is a need and start pursuing and publishing more Scripturally based Bible studies geared particularly to women.

If you are Hoping for Something Better (in terms of life in general and women's studies in particular), I highly recommend this study.

War and Peace

Isaiah 2
1 This is what Isaiah son of Amoz saw concerning Judah and Jerusalem:
2 In the last days
the mountain of the LORD's temple will be established
as chief among the mountains;
it will be raised above the hills,
and all nations will stream to it.
3 Many peoples will come and say,
"Come, let us go up to the mountain of the LORD,
to the house of the God of Jacob.
He will teach us his ways,
so that we may walk in his paths." ...…
4 He will judge between the nations
and will settle disputes for many peoples.
They will beat their swords into plowshares
and their spears into pruning hooks.
Nation will not take up sword against nation,
nor will they train for war anymore.
5 Come, O house of Jacob,
let us walk in the light of the LORD.

I love the imagery of this prophecy. They will beat their swords and spears into farming equipment! Not only will they not be at war anymore, they won’t even need to train for war in preparation. This is what happens when God’s kingdom is established, His dwelling place is chief among the mountains, and all nations are drawn to Him. The question is if this prophecy has any relevance to you and I in this day and age. I submit to you that it does, and that we are wise to consider its implications.

As John the Baptist preached, the kingdom of God is truly at hand. Yet, we also witness daily all the ways that God’s rule has not yet fully taken over our world. The classic passage on this tension is Hebrews 2:7-8. (Speaking of Jesus)

7You made him a little lower than the angels;
you crowned him with glory and honor
8 and put everything under his feet."
In putting everything under him, God left nothing that is not subject to him. Yet at present we do not see everything subject to him.

What Isaiah 2 gives us is a vision for what the kingdom of God looks like when everything is fully subject to Him. It gives us a trajectory for our own lives as well. This is where we are heading. Toward PEACE.

The Apostle Paul opens every one of his epistles with a salutation of grace and peace toward his audience. This isn’t a meaningless introductory phrase but the heartbeat of his message again and again. Peace through grace. It’s peace with God first and peace with our neighbor second, and it is singularly available through God’s free grace extended to us through Christ’s death on the cross.

But aren’t we at WAR? I’m not talking about physical war necessarily, but what is commonly referred to as spiritual warfare. I hear this terminology often in Christian circles. “We are at war.” “Be on guard.”

And this is all fine … to a point. The Bible does use this phrasing, and it is true that while we are on the trajectory toward ultimate peace, we are to guard ourselves diligently against Satan’s attacks. However, my experience with the war phrasing has raised several red flags. The primary one is that many times, Christian groups aren’t clear with whom we are at war. If you are intent on fighting a battle and unclear on whom the enemy is, beware anyone who gets in your way!

So here are my thoughts today on spiritual War and Peace.

1) If you use the terminology of war, be clear on who the enemy is. We don’t wrestle against flesh and blood. People aren’t the enemy. Paul is especially clear on this throughout his epistles. We love people. We pursue people always in hopes of rescuing them from our real enemy in the heavenly places. We do not wrestle with flesh and blood. Don’t aim your weapons at other people. Fight FOR the heart of the one who is ensnared by Satan. Leave the 99 and seek after the 1. That one heart is not your enemy--he or she is ensnared by your enemy.

2) While guarding against aiming your weapons at living individuals God has likely actually called you to pursue, do feel free to aim your spiritual weapons at yourself. We put to death within ourselves those things that serve unrighteousness. Examine yourself for the snares that Satan is attempting to use to undermine your walk with God.

3) Remember that our trajectory is toward peace. Keep your eye on the prize -- peace through grace. And don’t accept less. Don’t be content with severed relationships in the Body. Don’t accept collateral damage as a reasonable option in a church. Pursue the wounded. Reconcile the broken relationship. As God’s kingdom is ushered in, genuine, authentic peace wins as the result of gospel-centered reconciliation at every level.

We must have a strong grip on the deep implications of Christ’s words on the cross, “It is finished!” He fought the last battle. He has conquered sin and death. The rest are skirmishes putting the final touches on His great victory. If you understand what His kingdom looks like when it is finally fully upon us, you will then be able to recognize those things that do and do not mark movement in legitimate kingdom growth. The enemy loves to make us call good what God calls evil, and he loves even more to make us suspicious of what God calls good. We don’t necessarily think it is evil. We just think it is lame. But in the end, God’s grace wins the heart of all those He has called to Himself. Peace through grace in Christ will have the last word. And we are moving full speed toward that day.

Helping Wounded Husbands

Happy Holidays. It can be the best of times. It can be the worst of times. It’s an especially hard time if the ones closest to you are struggling. I was talking with a wise woman this week (mother, grandmother, and former pastor’s wife) who suggested I write a post about helping hurting husbands. This is a subject I suspect will resonate with many of you. There is much teaching now on strong male leadership in the church and home. If effort isn’t made in a book or sermon to carefully parse the doctrine of sanctification, distinguishing between the image of God to which we are being conformed and the realities of our depravity until we are glorified, a woman can become very discouraged by the nebulous image of Joe Christian Dude, pastor dad, leading his family from a position of strength and power, constant in character in the marathon Christian walk. The truth is that that caricature of the overcoming Christian man is just that … a caricature. He doesn’t exist. Or actually he does exist, but only in one single person, the perfect man Christ Jesus. For ALL other men, he may be the goal, but he is not the reality. Get that, ladies – even the pastors who seem like that guy, the ones that you secretly wish you’d married, do NOT have it together like that. Godly men may be somewhere along that journey, but none of them have arrived.

(And please note that this is not an article of disrespect to husbands. We are called to respect and submit to this very man in cooperation with God’s work to transform him into His image in Christ.)

God created the first woman to be a “helper suitable” to her male counterpart. But it is important to note that the Hebrew word for help is much stronger than our English term. When you think of “the help”, you may envision a maid, butler, or cook standing to the side waiting for a master of power and authority to give some order. If that’s your idea of what it means to be a helper suitable to your husband, you have missed the Biblical meaning of the term. Instead, think of the Man of Sorrows carrying His cross toward Gethsemene. As He stumbles, Simon of Cyrene steps in to carry it with (or for) Him. This is a much closer picture of the Biblical concept of Help. It’s not a maid. It’s more like a crutch. It’s not a mindless sidekick waiting on an order. It’s Morpheus or Trinity to the Matrix’s Neo. The Hebrew word is strong.

Consider again the Hebrew word translated helper at the first mention of the first woman in Genesis 2:18. We absolutely must let Scripture and not preconceived notions from our culture guide our thinking on the meaning of this term. The Hebrew word translated “helper” is ezer, meaning to help, nourish, sustain, or strengthen. It’s used in the Old Testament of God Himself, as in Deuteronomy 33:29.

Blessed are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the LORD? He is your shield and helper and your glorious sword. Your enemies will cower before you, and you will trample down their high places.

Ezer is used 21 times in the Old Testament, 16 of which are descriptions of God Himself. In the New Testament, the Holy Spirit is also called our Helper, Counselor, and Comforter (depending on which translation of the Bible you use—these are all translations of the Holy Spirit’s role of “paraklete”, or one who comes alongside in help.) God Himself is the greatest example to us of what He is calling us to do in fulfillment of this term.

So let’s consider God’s example on this issue of Help. In Exodus 18:4, God our Help defends (in contrast to attacking or ignoring the fight altogether). In Psalm 10:14 God our Help sees and cares for the oppressed (rather than being indifferent and unconcerned). In Psalm 20:2 and 33:20, God our Help supports, shields and protects (rather than leaving unprotected and defenseless). In Psalms 70:5, God our Help delivers from distress (rather than causing distress). In Psalm 72:12-14, God our Help rescues the poor, weak, and needy (rather than ignoring the poor and needy). And in Psalm 86:17, God our Help comforts (rather than causing discomfort or avoiding altogether).

God’s example reveals a high and worthy calling for wives as “helpers suitable to their husbands”. We are not glorified maids, butlers, or cooks simply waiting on an order to perform from a master. This is not God’s example of help at all!! We are called to show compassion, to support, defend and protect, to deliver from distress and to comfort, to bear burdens and sometimes hold up as a crutch. We are called to be conduits of God’s grace in our homes. We are called to be like Christ.

Don’t despair over respecting, submitting to, or helping a wounded husband. Don’t think that these instructions only work for wives of Joe Pastor Dad who has it all together. It is for this very moment that God intended you to come along side in quiet strength to support, uphold, and encourage your husband (often without words). If your husband is hurting, THIS is the time God has prepared for you. Be an ezer to him – helping him, sustaining him, strengthening him, and nourishing him as God does for you.

Exposed

Ephesians 5 ...Walk as children of light 9(for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), 10and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. 11 Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. 12For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. 13But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, 14for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says,

"Awake, O sleeper,
and arise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."

A few years ago, the elders’ wives at the church I attended planned a women’s retreat entitled “Exposed,” taken from this section in Ephesians. I was a women’s ministry leader at the time, but to be honest, I dreaded going to this retreat. The title did not in any way naturally draw me. Personally, I did not want to be exposed and did not care to be apart of something that had set that as its agenda.

Then I went to the retreat. Each woman that spoke gave brutally honest testimony of where she had been in her darkness, how God had brought her from darkness to light, and all the ways God was still meeting her in her failures. Each one was exposing themselves, bringing their ugly pasts and some of their ugly present into the light. It ended up being one of the most powerful retreats with long lasting outcomes I have ever witnessed. As each speaker spoke on God’s redemption of her particular sin or the sins committed against her(gluttony, sexual addiction, vanity, sexual abuse, and so forth), women started understanding that hiding their sin, shame, and guilt was not the answer. Woman after woman started admitting her sin, exposing herself by walking out of the darkness and into the light. And while that can be terrifying and cruelly damaging in the wrong context, in the light of the gospel, it was beautiful, redemptive, and uplifting.

When Paul says to take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness and instead expose them, we probably all think of an instance of someone maliciously revealing someone else’s sin or shame. When people in darkness rip at others in darkness, there is no good that can come from it. Exposure of sin apart from the gospel is cruel, leaving devastation and hopelessness in its wake. It took that women’s retreat for me to finally understand how radically different God’s call to exposure is. In light of the gospel, I do not have to fear exposure. Instead, God says bring all of the nooks and crannies of your sin and shame to me. Let me shine the light of the gospel into even your deepest and darkest place of fear and guilt. And when these things are exposed to the light, they first become visible. And then they become light. What radical transformation! I praise God for the humble, godly women who chose this verse for that retreat (surely with great trepidation) and then lived the beauty of this kind of exposure out before me. Instead of being devastating and degrading, we were moved by the beauty of God’s power to redeem to the praise of his glorious grace.

Parenting Our Children the Way God Parents His

The phrase "parenting our children the way God parents His" has stuck in my head since I first read and reviewed Grace Based Parenting. It's been the summary phrase through which I've filtered my views on discipline and punishment. I am God's adopted daughter, cherished and well loved. How does He parent me? How does He train me in righteousness? How does He root sin out of my life? What does He do when I don't obey?

I have gained insight into a tiny piece of this from watching the teachers at our preschool. Sometimes, kids have strong opinions on something that is negotiable. If there is room to accomodate, the teachers will always do whatever they can to do so. They are very gracious. But sometimes there are non-negotiables. No, right now, every student in class has to sit on the rug at meeting. No, taking off your shoes and socks outside in the rain is not an option. The answer to the children with non-negotiables is that either they can do it on their own, or a grownup will help them do it. In that setting, the kids usually choose to conform, but sometimes if they remain stubbornly set on their own way, a grownup will gently but firmly help them to do what they are supposed to do. I think this model has beautiful Biblical parallels.

My youngest has tapped into his strong will and started insisting on his own way very adamantly. Last week, the issue was just putting his dishes away. I can't believe how adamant he was to not obey me. And it didn't matter what consequences I offered, he refused to do what I asked. It got to the point that, short of child abuse, I was out of options to force him to do my bidding on his own. Then it occurred to me--"Ok. I will help you obey," and I carried him and his plate to put it in the sink.

"Help me obey." How many times have I cried out to God for this? And other times, I have had no desire to obey--I've just wanted to follow my own path. I find God is very gracious to turn me back to Himself and His way. He HELPS me obey. He removes stumblingblocks to my obedience. When I am tempted to sin, He makes a way for me to bear it.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

When I carried my son to put his dish in the sink, I almost cried thinking of all the times God has carried me to accomplish His will when I was too weak or stubborn or rebellious to do it on my own. He has poured His full wrath for my sins on Christ on the cross, and now He proactively trains me in righteousness by His gracious good hand helping me transform into something I could never accomplish on my own. In this model, disciplining my children stops being a struggle of justice and punishment but becomes a meditation on the mercy, grace, and goodness of God that conforms me to His image. I believe the greatest model for any of us on what godly parenting looks like is God Himself. I would challenge all of us to look at our parenting skills and then ask what it reflects on how we view God our Father and how we think he parents us. You might be amazed at some very wrong views of God that trickle down in how you parent as well.

Dealing with Our Husband's Job Problems

In the current economic setting, many of us are struggling with the loss of jobs, reduction of income, and more general stress in the workplace as employers require more of employees with no added compensation. As a follow up to the post on being a safe place for our husbands to share their burdens, I wanted to share some practical wisdom I've learned the hard way about walking with my husband during a hard time with his job (or lack of job).

First of all, have you personally struggled with infertility or miscarriage? If so, you are uniquely equipped now to better understand your husband's burdens with his job. If you haven't struggled with child bearing issues, try to think about how you would feel if you had -- if all your friends were easily getting pregnant and telling you what worked for them but none of it worked for you. If your vision for your future involved raising children but you realized your powerlessness to accomplish that on your own. In my own experience, I found very clear parallels between my struggles with fears and insecurities when I confronted the fact I may not be able to have children and my husband's emotional struggles when faced with unemployment and job insecurity.

First, I internalized my fears with infertility in a very different way than my husband. He does the same with his job concerns. If he lectured me on why I shouldn't be so concerned about having children, that God is good, and His timing is perfect, it would seem slightly hollow to me as he didn't struggle with it with the way I did. Similarly, I needed to respect the fact that my husband internalized job insecurities differently than me and THAT WAS OK. Lectures for him to come around to my way of thinking on it just weren't fair. Instead, I needed to listen to(not lecture) him when he felt like talking and respect his silence when he didn't.

One thing I noted when I was struggling with infertility was that advice on what to do and things to try was helpful at times. At other times, it just added a weight to an already overtaxing burden. Similarly, during the near year my husband was unemployed, he was glad to try most any and everything anyone suggested. More on his resume. Less on his resume. Try this company. Try that company. But there came a point when every good suggestion he was given didn't produce any fruit. And he needed a definite break from well meaning advice on what to try next.

Ultimately, with both my getting pregnant and him getting a job, God did it in His way in His good time, not because of the good effort we had put into it but in SPITE of our efforts. My encouragement isn't to lay back and do nothing. But I also respect our need to sit quietly with someone with no pressure from us to try something new. Sometimes, they just need to sit, take a breath, and not think about it for a while. And it's helpful for them to be around someone who respects this need.

So my advice is this -- Don't lecture him. Do listen to him. Don't pressure. Do encourage when the time is right (and not by your agenda but the Spirit's prompting). Don't despair. Do empathize.

His job issues will strike at the heart of your need for security as well. You will need to be completely confident in the good hand of your sovereign, compassionate, and all wise God at work for your family if you want to be strong and quietly available to your spouse in this season. God is in control. He loves You. And He knows what He's doing. Trust Him so that you can be a safe place for your husband.

An Anthology of Posts on Endurance, Suffering, Trust, Etc.

I can't believe the number of hits one post on verbally violent elders has generated. The comments were thoughtful, and I enjoyed the discussion. Now, I want to shine a light on a focus of this blog over the last year--endurance, perseverance, and hope in suffering. If you are waiting, enduring, or just barely hanging on, watching the gulf between what you thought your life would be and what the reality currently is, here are posts that you may find encouraging.

1) This World Is Not My Home

2) Fruitful in the Land of My Affliction

3) Learning Obedience through Suffering

4) Job, Screwtape, and Our Testimony in the Heavenly Places

Pugnacious Elders

I come from a long line of fighting fundamentalists, at least in terms of my spiritual genealogy. I remember a saying that hung on the wall of one of the pastors under which I sat for a number of years in my hometown. It was something along the lines of “I ain’t no limp-wristed, panty waist” something or other and seemed a motto by some fundamentalist leader to encourage pastors to fight for the faith. I had another pastor (KJV only) in my teen years who told all the youth kids about a Chuck Norris movie he loved where his favorite scene was Chuck Norris killing a rat and coming up out of a bag with it in his mouth. This pastor’s teenage sons ended up shooting a man in a drug deal gone bad, and I think they ended up in jail. I’m not citing that as cause and effect, by the way. Just noting some interesting facts.

Now a newer, more sophisticated version of the fighting fundamentalist has emerged. A friend recently recounted to me a counseling situation in which a husband admitted to the pastor counseling him that he was struggling with other religions, and the pastor replied that he just wanted to hit the guy. He, of course, didn’t hit the counselee. He just WANTED to, and he unleashed his anger on this guy verbally though not physically. These weren’t backwards, uneducated Christians either. The counselee left the church ... and eventually the faith.

Even as a teenager in Chuck Norris Want-a-be’s church, I noted that the qualifications of an elder in I Timothy 3 in the NAS (which I used at the time even though I was in a KJV only church) said, “not addicted to wine or pugnacious, but gentle, peaceable, free from the love of money.” The ESV says “not violent, but gentle”. I get the feeling that as long you don’t actually make fist contact with face, this new version of the fighting fundamentalist thinks they no longer violate this standard for eldership. I would like to go on the record as very strongly disagreeing with that assumption. First and foremost, the Greek word translated pugnacious/violent can mean both the one who actually hits and the one who is just ready to hit. It also can mean a person who is contentious or quarrelsome. In other words, this standard includes verbal violence as well as physical. It includes a STANCE of violence (and an ATTITUDE of violence) as well as the actual act.

In my many years experience growing up under the spiritual authority of fighting fundamentalists, their consistent excuse for their stance of violence is that anything else represents a tolerance of sin and false belief. However, Scripture VERY CLEARLY presents a 3rd way. Scripture warns against subverting the truth AND verbal violence in defense of the truth. BOTH are sin.

Jesus is our model for this 3rd way. In the qualifications of an elder in I Tim. 3, it is called gentleness. The same word is used in 2 Tim. 2:24-26 when Paul instructs the Lord’s servants in how to handle conflict. Be GENTLE. I’ve never heard a fighting fundamentalist give a sermon on gentleness. It’s a limp wristed, panty waist word, right?! Be careful. In fact, be convicted! If the term gentle makes you think women are taking over the church, you need to repent. Gentleness isn’t a sign that women have taken over a church. Not at all!! For women have definitely reached equality with men on the issue of verbal violence. Gentleness is a sign that JESUS and His GOSPEL have taken over the church.

Matthew 11:29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.

Biblical gentleness isn’t weakness. I can prove it to you from Scripture multiple ways, and yet some hard-hearted people still won’t hear it. But it is the Scriptural truth. Gentleness is strength UNDER CONTROL. And in Scripture, it’s strength under God’s control. Verbal and physical violence are strength that has lost its submission to the Holy Spirit and has taken authority on itself. A baby is weak. It can’t hurt a fly. An adult is gentle because though they have the strength to crush the baby, they temper that strength for the baby’s protection. God’s good under shepherd is STRONG. But his strength is submitted to the Holy Spirit. He values the quality of gentleness. He does not assume a stance of violence.

For more on the SCRIPTURAL qualifications of elders/pastors, I recommend this post and the sermon to which it is linked.

The Heart of Her Husband Safely Trusts in Her

Prov. 31 (NAS) 10An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. 11The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. 12She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.

The virtuous wife. She is the seemingly impossible standard that for generations has hung over the heads of Christian women who care. First, let me say boldly that I think the NAS is correct when it translates this as the excellent WIFE as opposed to translations that call it the excellent or virtuous WOMAN. The word can mean either wife or woman, but the subsequent descriptions all center around wifely duties. Many godly Christian women never marry despite their desire to do so, and they do not lose their hope of being an excellent, virtuous Christian woman because of this state. Proverbs 31 is a particular description of a particular role—what does it look like to reflect the image of Christ as a wife in the home?

The very first descriptive trait of the virtuous wife deals with the heart of her husband. She is a SAFE PLACE for his heart.

Amplified Bible 11The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no lack of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil.

The Hebrew word for heart is leb, meaning inner man, heart, understanding, mind, will, and so forth. This is our husband’s inner place where he holds his hopes and fears, dreams and worries, desires and burdens. The Hebrew word for trust is batach, meaning to trust in, have confidence in, be secure with, to feel safe with, to be careless with. When you put them together, the excellent wife is a safe place for her husband to let down his guard and be honest about his inner burdens and struggles. He can be careless in what he reveals of himself because he has confidence in his security with his wife.

This is convicting to me every time I read it, because instead of being the safe place that my husband can let down his guard, I usually feel threatened. Like Jack Nicholson says in A Few Good Men, I “can’t handle the truth.” If he lets down his guard about insecurities at work, my fears bubble up over job security and paying our bills. If he lets his guard down about problems in the church, I feel threatened over my future ministry. If he lets his guard down about issues in our home, I worry that our marriage is going to fall apart. If he shares concerns about his health, I’m afraid of what I’m going to do if he dies. When my response to his heart is fear, worry, self-condemnation, and worst case scenarios, you know what his response will be every time? He’ll shut up!

The end of Proverbs 31:11 gives an interesting consequence. A husband who can trust his heart with his wife has no need for dishonest spoil. Now, you can apply that in a myriad of practical ways. I think the big idea is that more than keeping an attractive figure, a clean house, good sex, or whatever, a wife can protect her marriage best by being a safe, secure place for her husband to let down his guard.

As someone who has a quiet husband and who has often squandered the opportunities I’ve been given to be a safe place for his heart, here are some practical tips for being an excellent wife.

1) Be secure in Christ. You MUST have confidence in the sovereign hand of your wise, compassionate Heavenly Father. There is no other way you can handle your husband’s concerns and insecurities. Traditionally, our husbands are the place women find (or at least try to find) their security. That will NEVER work, and I submit it was never God’s intention that women find their security in their husbands. Instead, we find our security in our Father, and only then can we become a safe place for our husband’s insecurities.

2) When that rare moment opens that your husband offers a tiny glimpse into his inner man, stop what you are doing and pay attention. Shut your mouth. Listen. Ask a moderate follow up question. Don’t give advice. Let him safely, securely, CARELESSLY share with you his inner concerns, fears, successes, and dreams.

I have been thankful for this first instruction in Proverbs 31 concerning the excellent wife. It has brought much clarity to my relationship with my husband. I hope meditating on it will be helpful to you today as well.

Unpacking Forgiveness

Based on the entries I've post on grace (here, here, and here), this book looks like a wonderful resource.

Training Effective Teachers Part 2 -- Communicating Your Objectives

WARNING: If the student hasn’t learned, the teacher hasn’t taught.

This is a good saying from a long time dean in the school of education where I was first taught the need to communicate your objective. The truth is that you cannot call it teaching if your class/audience/students don’t walk away having understood your primary point. You can call it lecturing. You can call it giving a talk. But it’s not teaching. You may have TRIED to teach, but if the student doesn’t get it, you haven’t accomplished your objective.

You can prepare the best content in all the world, but if you don’t speak to your audience in a way that connects with them, they’ll never get it. In that case, it’s nice that you learned something for yourself, but you’ve squandered a great opportunity to communicate truth to the next group. Of course, we know that we are utterly dependent on the Holy Spirit’s work to truly enlighten the hard hearts of any of us to spiritual truth. What I want to do is simply give some practical thoughts to help you remove barriers to effective communication. We want to teach in a way that removes unnecessary hindrances and paves the way (as imperfect as our best efforts may be) for the work of the Spirit. As Paul says in Ephesians 4, our words have the potential to minister grace to the hearer, and it is a precious privilege to join with Him in His work.

With that said, here are some practical points.

1) Communicate your OBJECTIVE. What one main idea do you want students to walk away with? Don’t walk in with an overabundance of points to communicate. The 18 point outline is overwhelming. People often can’t remember any one thing because they are overwhelmed trying to remember every different thing. Also, don’t allow yourself to wing it or to just speak a stream of consciousness from the heart. That kind of talk has its place in certain circumstances, but it’s usually not the mainstream teaching environment of a class or retreat. You need to know the specific principle from Scripture you want to communicate and gear your outline to reinforce it to your class.

2) Teach to the back row. This may sound weird, but let me explain. In the stereotypical class setting, the easy students sit at the front and stare at you with attentive eyes (madly taking notes) the whole lesson. The temptation is to focus there. The back row has the stragglers, those likely unsure about being there at all. Teach to them. In a large group setting when you are speaking from a podium, make eye contact with the back row. Talk to your audience as individuals rather than a mass. If you work to reach the back row audience, you will also reach every audience in between.

3) Less is more (handouts, powerpoint, gimmicks, cutesiness). Often, an audience remembers a gimmick but forgets the message. I discussed this in part 1, but it is worth repeating here. Don’t underestimate the power of the Word itself to change hearts. Use as much in the way of powerpoint or handouts that will support and communicate your main objective, but guard yourself against using gimmicks that end up distracting instead of supporting your points.

4) Consider other modalities of learning. Not everyone learns best the same way you do. What communication style works best for you? You may need to actively concentrate on reaching students with different learning styles. If you can, incorporate multiple modalities (auditory, visual, tactile). For some people it is really helpful to have room to write notes. For others, it’s most helpful to have the notes already written down for them so they can just look at you and listen. I am a literal, logical, analytical thinker and speaker. I tend to drop the ball when it comes to global thinkers who need to see the big picture. It's a place I have to actively work.

5) Think about the best teacher you ever had. What did you like about their teaching style? How did they communicate their objectives?

6) Figure out the base line of your audience. This is REALLY important. Define your terms. Get your audience on a level playing field. Proverbs 14:6 says, “A scoffer seeks wisdom and finds none, But knowledge is easy to one who has understanding.” Knowledge is easy to one who understands! Don’t talk over the heads of your audience. Don’t impress them with theological terms they don’t need to know. They will understand your objective when you communicate your points in clear words your audience understands.


7) Consider all of the ways your words can be misinterpreted. Don’t be naïve. It’s a cruel world out there, and some victim of it is sitting in your audience ready to challenge you out of their pain. Know your audience. Think through their issues. One of my current pet peeves is the wealth of teaching to women on being a wife and mother as their highest calling that completely ignores the state of a very large percentage of godly Christian women who are single or infertile. If you don’t acknowledge this issue and paint it correctly in light of the gospel, you can hamstring women who are already struggling with the goodness of God and His sovereignty over their circumstances. Think hard on how your specific audience will receive your words and what you can do to make sure you (and more importantly, the Word) are not misinterpreted.

8) Humor, honesty, and sincerity. Redeem the pain in your own life. Be honest about your struggles (without revealing too much). Don’t set yourself up as the expert, but recognize that by default you will become a living example of what you discuss.


9) Finally, teach it to the microwave first. This is a really practical point. Don’t just prepare an outline. Teach your outline. To the microwave, your dog, or whatever piece of furniture in your house or tree in your yard that you can do it in peace. I watch the timer on my microwave because the time of your lesson is important in so many settings. I can’t tell you the times I finished in 20 minutes what was supposed to last 45. I hadn’t done appropriate prep work and didn’t make use of the time the people listening to me allowed me to have. I have learned to teach through it several times from beginning to end visualizing my audience as I practice—not memorizing it because that always comes across as insincere (in my humble opinion).

So those are some practical things that have been helpful to me in the past. I am personally well out of practice, and I review them now in preparation for my own re-entry into the world of teaching. May we all as teachers prayerfully consider how we can remove barriers and stumblingblocks that will distract our listeners from the God-given objective we most need to communicate.

Training Effective Teachers

I have taught a quick 3 week intensive on teacher training several times over the years, each in an effort to identify and train women to teach the Bible effectively. This training was not aimed at small group leadership. It centered around teaching the Bible to larger groups. I thought it might be valuable to share some of this with you the reader as I reviewed it myself before some teaching I get to do at a retreat next month.

The first post will focus on the two-fold foundation for teaching Christ—knowing your doctrine and then teaching it and living it with grace and humility. The second will focus on practical methods. But first, there is no greater warning I can think of to give myself or other teachers other than this: you need to know your stuff even as you guard yourself from the inevitable pride issues that surface when you know your stuff.

1 Corinthians 8:1 NASB Now concerning things sacrificed to idols, we know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies.

Proverbs 6 NIV 16 There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: 17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, 18 a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, 19 a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.

James 3 NASB 1 Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, knowing that as such we will incur a stricter judgment. 2 For we all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body as well. 3 Now if we put the bits into the horses' mouths so that they will obey us, we direct their entire body as well. 4 Look at the ships also, though they are so great and are driven by strong winds, are still directed by a very small rudder wherever the inclination of the pilot desires. 5 So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! 6 And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell. 7 For every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and creatures of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by the human race. 8 But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison.

The tongue is powerful. Before you ever say a word of a lesson, you need to understand its vast power for both good and evil. You can win the doctrinal debate from Scripture and still lose the heart of the person to which you are speaking (or those who are overhearing your words). There is a reason that Paul exhorts believers to “speak the truth in love” in Ephesians 4. It is because speaking truthfully from Scripture is not automatically loving. We must speak the truth in a way that is consistent with I Corinthians 13’s precise definition of Biblical love. We are kind, not rude; patient, not demanding; we bear long instead of stomping off when we don’t get the response we wanted.

Here are some other general big ideas to keep in mind when preparing content to teach.

ONLY the Word of God and the Holy Spirit can transform lives. Sharp presentations and memorable stunts don’t change lives. The Word changes lives. 2 Cor. 10:3-4; Jer. 23:29

I Cor. 1 NIV
18For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 19For it is written:
"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."
20Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. 22Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, 23but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, 24but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.
26Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. 27But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things -- and the things that are not -- to nullify the things that are, 29so that no one may boast before him. 30It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God--that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. 31Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

People may remember your stunt but forget your message. A friend once told me about a message he heard in which the preacher gave out Band-Aids to all those in the audience with some instruction on how to use them. My friend recounted in detail the Band-Aid, its use, the participants response, his response, and so forth. But when I asked him what the message was about, he couldn’t remember. Memorable stunt. Unmemorable presentation of Scripture. Bells and whistles are much more likely to distract from your message than enhance it. Never underestimate the power of God Himself through His Word alone to get His message across exactly as He intends.

The Word of God is SUFFICIENT to thoroughly equip us for all God has called us to do. Extra-biblical steps and methods are at best minimally helpful. The force for transforming lives is “holding fast to the Head” (Col. 2:19 NASB) which is Jesus Christ.

2 Timothy 3 16All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.


Col. 2:23 23Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

When I say extra-Biblical, I mean those things that seem good ideas to you but that the Bible doesn’t specifically prescribe. Guard yourself against offering the things that worked for you as the only choice that all wise believers make. If you have content that is outside of Scripture, consider either cutting it or carefully teaching it in context of the sufficiency of Scripture on any given topic. Point people to Christ as both the ONLY model to which they need to be conformed and the ONLY method that will transform them.

The greatest command is to love God with all our hearts. The second is to love our neighbors as ourselves. ALL OTHER LAWS HINGE UPON THESE FIRST TWO.

Matthew 22 36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

If you are teaching on sin, repentance, holiness, or righteousness, make sure you clearly link whatever content you present on righteousness to the foundation of all righteousness—Biblical love. Moral improvement that is not founded on a love for God and I Corinthians 13 style love for others is NOT righteousness. Never forget that! This may be the greatest pothole into which Christian teachers fall.

The gospel of Christ is the offending element of our message.

Romans 9 33As it is written, Behold, I lay in Sion a stumblingstone and rock of offence: and whosoever believeth on Him shall not be ashamed.

Romans 14 13Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way.

I have heard my fair share of offensive, in your face teaching by various Christian speakers over the years. Many justify their ungracious, offensive methods because both Jesus and Paul at times spoke very pointedly in ways that offended their listeners. However, if you examine the times that Jesus’ listeners were offended by His message, it is always some aspect of the gospel that was the line in the sand that they could not hear or accept. We must clear out all other rocks of offence in our speaking that our audience may be confronted with the only rock of offence that matters—Jesus Himself. The most offensive element of the Christian message is that Jesus is the ONLY way to God. It is grievous when a speaker sets up their own agenda as more important than the gospel, allowing unnecessary offensive teaching to cause listeners to stumble and drop out well before they ever get to Jesus Himself.

BOTTOM LINE: We teach SCRIPTURE, not PERSONAL AGENDAS; we preach CHRIST, not HUMAN WISDOM; and we change lives through RELATIONSHIP, not METHOD.

The next post will cover practical helps for connecting with your audience.

Grace To You, Grace To Others Part 3 (Treat them as an unbeliever)

I am monthly (or weekly or daily) confronted with people and ministries that have appointed themselves watchdogs for the abuse of God's grace. Sometimes, it's legalistic people scoping out long hair or pants on women. Othertimes, it's legalistic people scoping out mean people who take issue with long hair or pants on women. In other words, both sides of the aisle are pretty good at appointing themselves watchdogs. Since I have at times been that person and a member of those groups, I have been thinking about this for several days. My thoughts have centered around 3 main questions: what is grace (discussed in part 1 and part 2 of this series), can we abuse God's grace, and what do we do with those who continue in sin?

1) What is grace?

When a friend recently asked me how I would define grace, I was at a loss to come up with words that didn't sound trite and shallow despite all the study I've done and posts I've written. So I answered them with pictures from Scripture.

Jesus washing Judas' feet

Joseph embracing his brothers

Our pastor recently preached on a little piece of Exodus 15. Right after God has worked marvelously to part the Red Sea and free the Israelites once and for all from Egypt, the very next scene is of them grumbling because the only water they can find is bitter. Grumbling--murmers of discontent because they don't believe that God is good and worthy of their trust. And God's response is not to backhand them for such backtalk but to make their water sweet. That is grace.

2) Can we abuse God's grace?

Here is the question that we need to explore. Because there are MANY Christians who believe that their one job in life is to guard against the abuse of God's grace in their realm of influence. I've seen this in the blogosphere. I've seen it in homes. I've seen it in churches. And based on whatever perceived abuse of God's grace they see, they then justify acting ungraciously in their response.

But the truth from Scripture is that we all are abusers of God's grace. Like the Israelites, He shows us grace, and we forget it and grumble and don't trust. And if you copy and paste that sentence a few more times in this paragraph, you will have accurately summed up the whole of our existence. The problem with those who appoint themselves as guardians of God's grace is that they typically don't realize how they daily, hourly abuse it themselves. They may be diplomatic or polite in how they word things when they call out others, but they lack the ONE thing that is the dividing line between those who get God's grace and those who don't--humility.


3) What do we do with those who continue in sin?

Biblical grace as the Bible uses the term involves bearing long with those who sin against you, washing the feet of the betrayor, embracing in forgiveness those who willingly sold you to slavery, and so forth. Yet we know from Scripture that we are not to continue in sin that grace may abound (Romans 6:1). We know we are to confront sinners and guard against false teachers. Are these contradictory instructions? Not at all! Our problem is that we often read and teach these instructions out of context with the whole of Scripture.

We must first examine ourselves--do I have a firm grasp on my own sinful, selfish tendencies? Do I agree with Paul that I am the chiefest of sinners? Is it just an accepted Christian saying to me or do I have a firm grasp on the depth of my own personal need for God's grace? It is only those who fully grasp their own depravity and the depth of God's grace toward them despite their own abuse of it who have any power to speak to another about their sin. And, then, the root of any confrontation must be the gospel of grace.

I'll conclude with some thoughts from the clearest passage on confrontation of sinners--Matthew 18. For years, though knowing this passage quite well, I have missed the heart of what Christ is teaching here. What do you do with the brother who continues in sin despite appropriate confrontation? He's abusing God's grace, right? What's the answer? What's the last resort?

"Treat him as an unbeliever."

That means we point fingers, shun, and cut him off, right? If you have any experience in conservative churches, that is EXACTLY what is taught. That's because many churches have never understood how to treat unbelievers. But how did Christ treat unbelievers in the gospels? How does God treat unbelievers throughout the narrative of Scripture? He pursues them. With the gospel. The end result of church discipline is that we determine we don't need to instruct this person on adultery or gossip or lying. We need to pursue them with the gospel! We need to return love for hatred. We need to give unconditionally. We need to be merciful to them in the way that God has been to us that they would come to Him and receive His free grace. And when they start grumbling after the parting of the Red Sea, we return with grace and mercy.

The cure to Israel's problem was more gospel--more undeserved kindness in contrast to the audacity of their forgetfulness after the Red Sea. God doesn't curse them. He blesses them. Abundantly (with 12 springs of water and 70 palm trees--see Exodus 15:27).

I don't believe we can abuse God's grace. Or maybe it is more accurate to say that I believe that the abuse of God's grace is all that ever happens. And that's what, after all, makes it grace. And what I'm advocating here, at least according to Scripture, doesn't result in more and more sin--for it is the very recognition of God's longsuffering with our abuses of His grace and His subsequent mercy toward us that is the thing that roots out our sin and transforms us into His image.

To quote my pastor, in the midst of the hardships of discipleship, the thing that must consistently be speaking loudest and clearest to us through the cacophony of life is the gospel. Day in, day out. The only hope for not continuing in sin that grace may abound is really getting the good news of God's grace to us personally in the first place.

In case you need some very practical guidelines for applying all this (as I do), I'll end with practical thoughts from Scripture on applying grace in conflict.

First, I submit that it’s impossible to demonstrate grace in any other situation. Grace assumes sin—you have a legitimate right to extract payment from this person for their debt against you. Otherwise, it’s not grace--you’re just being nice.

2 Timothy 2:24-26 24 And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, 25 correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, 26 and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

From this passage, I get 4 thoughts on grace in conflict.

1) Grace understands the truth of someone’s condition—they are ensnared by Satan and DECEIVED. They really don’t see things the way you do. (you understand this person’s condition because you have a good understanding of your own. You too have been at times ensnared by Satan. You too, in the right situation, are capable of some pretty heinous acts. When you understand the truth of this person’s (and your own) position, you can move from bitterness to compassion. You can weep for them.

2) Grace is in it for the long haul—it patiently endures evil. Biblical grace doesn’t cop out. It doesn’t give up on people. Because you understand your own hardness of heart. You know your own propensity toward stopping your ears against truth and following your own way. What was it that wooed you to repentance? Did someone faithfully pursue you despite your resistance to them? Did Christ?

3) Grace corrects (so the truth is not subverted or glossed over) but it corrects gently (with strength well under God’s control). This reminds me of I Peter 4:8, “love covers a multitude of sins.” The Bible repeats this principle in the Old and New Testament. What does it mean to cover sins in love? It almost sounds like we are ignoring sin and not dealing with it altogether. Here is the phrase that I use to help me distinguish between the two.

"Love doesn’t sweep sin under the carpet, but it keeps others out of the room until it can be cleaned up."

4) Grace’s goal is not self-acquittal or vindication or that people would come to see things your way. Grace’s goal is repentance with God that leads to knowledge of the truth.

Concluding thoughts:
There is grace, and then there is everything else. And everything else leads to death. If you don't get grace, you don't get the gospel. If you don't exhibit grace to others, it's evidence you don't understand it for yourself. If grace doesn't dominate your relationship to God and your obligation to others, your religion will suck the life out of you and others around you. Grace is meaningless without truth. But truth will kill you without grace. The worst thing we can do in conflict is engage in it when we don't understand grace for ourselves. But once we really understand God's undeserved favor to ourselves, then we can minister grace to others who have sinned against us in whatever way we can with the prayer that God would draw them to repentance and the knowledge of the truth.

Grace To You, Grace To Others Part 2

In part 1 of this repeat series on grace, I talked about the definition of grace from Scripture. In this post, I want to look at the many Scriptures that link God's grace to us with our grace toward others. Luke 6:32-36 is one of the clearest teachings to me on both what God means when He uses the term grace (Greek word charis--also translated credit and benefit in this passage) and how our grace to others is a necessary part of being conformed to His image.

Luke 6 32"If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. 36 Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

My default mode is to think of grace as circular. I show grace to someone, they show grace to me, and so forth. But that is NOT consistent with how Scripture uses the term. The very definition of grace assumes that the other person is not being gracious. It stops being grace altogether if it's conditional on some reciprocal gesture by the other person. Biblical grace starts with God, never with others. It is His grace to us that is our source and supply for showing grace to others. Here are some other Scriptures on this subject.

Luke 23:34 Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.

From the Lord’s prayer—Mt. 6:12 Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Colossians 3:13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Mark 11:25 And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses."

It's important to note both the close relationship between God's forgiveness of us and our forgiveness of others while also distinguishing it from a work that earns us salvation. Paul spends the entire book of Ephesians clarifying this in detail. In chapters 1-3 he details all that Christ has secured for us in salvation based solely on Christ's merits and sacrifice alone, fully separate from any good work we might try to contribute. It is clear that we have not earned or worked for this great salvation--this glorious gift of grace to us from God. But then Paul also clearly links in a one-to-one correspondence God's grace to us with what this gospel demands we show to others. Consider the opening to Ephesians 4.

Ephesians 4 1Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, 2with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, 3being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the (H)bond of peace.

"Therefore", Paul says. He is clearly linking the exhortation in verses 1-3 with the gospel of grace he has taught in the previous chapters. He in fact says that these next instructions (which end with the exhortation at the end of chap. 4 to forgive as Christ has forgiven us) are about walking in a manner that reflects correctly the truth of our own personal salvation--walking worthy of this calling.

Some of this Scripture is scary. Forgive others SO THAT God will forgive me? I don't want my bitterness and unforgiveness of others to be a litmus test for God's forgiveness of me. My encouragement is that you would read these instructions in light of the whole teaching of Scripture on salvation through Christ alone. We know our forgiveness doesn't earn our salvation. But you can not deny from Scripture that it is a FRUIT of our salvation.

As I said in the last post, if you struggle here, preach the gospel to yourself anew. Don't try to muster yourself up to do a work you can not do on your own. If the fruit of forgiveness is nonexistent for you, the place to begin is meditating on your connection to the Vine. John 15 is a good place to start. In the next post, we'll look at the Bible's instructions on dealing with someone who abuses grace.

Grace To You, Grace To Others

If you've read this blog for any length of time, you may remember my series of posts on grace. I hesitate to revisit them since it's only been a year since I first posted them. But this blog is primarily a lecture to myself, and I need to revisit them for myself. I've been preparing material on it for a women's retreat in a few weeks and am convicted anew of my need to meditate on, first, God's grace to me through Christ and, second, Scripture's clear connection of my grace toward others as an important indicator of how well I understand the first.

I'll deal with grace in the next few posts. First, what is grace? Second, what does the Bible teach as the connection between God's grace to us and our grace toward others? And third, what do you do with people you perceive as abusers of grace?

What is grace?

From Dictionary of Theological Terms by Alan Cairns

Grace is "a mode of the goodness of God, often described as undeserved favor. It is more than that. It is underserved favor bestowed upon those who are positively deserving of the wrath of God…."

Note that it isn't just God's positive favor on those of us who were neutral in His sight. He is putting His positive favor on us when we deserved His full punishment. This is what makes His grace so stark and different than what we normally perceive as nice, kind behavior. In our world, God wasn't being kind. He was being stupid.

The Greek word translated grace is charis, which in short means loving-kindness, favor, or gift. However, those three words don’t really plumb the depths of how Scripture uses the term. Hebrew, Greek, and English dictionaries each give really long definitions of grace from multiple angles. But the common thread in each use of the term is that it is NOT about giving what is due.

Verses using charis

Romans 4:4 Now to the one who works, his wages are not counted as a gift but as his due.

(If you work for it and get what you are due, it is not charis)

Luke 6 32"If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. 36 Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

(If you give good back to others who are good to you or extend charity to those who can repay it, it is not charis)

Summary of what grace IS: When you give back what is earned or deserved, it is not charis—it is not grace. It is not favor or benefit and it is not credited toward you as anything other than exactly what you are expected to do. Instead, grace does what is unexpected, undeserved, and out of line with reasonable responses. Grace is an unreasonable response—unreasonably good, but unreasonable nonetheless. And (Luke 6:35) when we give grace, this undeserving favor that does good to enemies and lends expecting nothing in return, then we give evidence to our relationship with our Father in heaven, because THIS is his calling card. He is good to those who don’t deserve it. He is full of grace.

What grace is NOT: It’s not being diplomatic, generally friendly, or polite. Don’t mistake personal politeness or good manners for this altogether different thing named grace to which God has called us. Grace isn’t a character trait inherited from friendly and polite parents. Real biblical grace in us toward others is evidence of the image of God bursting forth in us as He redeems and transforms us.

Grace and humility are intertwined theological concepts. When we get grace, the only choice is humility. Grace is an unreasonably lavish response to those undeserving of it. And it is based on our own understanding of God’s great, undeserved favor toward us.

In the next post, we'll look at how Scripture clearly links our understanding of God's grace to us with our extending grace to those from whom we have a right to extract payment. It's both scary to consider but also potentially the most freeing, life giving teaching in Scripture.

**If you are already feeling convicted (and maybe condemned) because you are angry and bitter against someone who has legitimately hurt you, please don't dwell in self-condemnation. I encourage you not to try to talk yourself into forgiving them. Instead preach the gospel to yourself. Explore God's grace to YOU again and again (Ephesians 1-2, Hebrews 1-4). My belief is that the only thing that will equip you and free you to extend grace to this one who has hurt you is to let God's grace to you saturate you. Understand the weight of your sin. Get a vision for His plan to adopt you into His family and lavish a great inheritance on you through Christ. Understand how He has fully and completely paid the price for your sins on the cross. YOU OWE HIM EVERYTHING, AND YET HIS BALANCE SHEETS SHOW THAT YOU OWE HIM NOTHING. If you get that, you then begin to unlock the door to true forgiveness and grace to the one who owes you.**