Today's Lecture to Myself -- On Love

Today I'm meditating on Biblical love. It will take a lifetime of meditation to fully process and comprehend all that the Bible teaches on God’s love for me and my love for others. Here are some summary Scripture statements on love.

John 13:35 By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

I Cor. 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Matthew 22:37 Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Love isn’t some nebulous, dreamy notion in Scripture. It is a response with concrete, specific actions. And, at least for me, thinking on these practical responses is really foundational to both understanding love and recognizing it in my own life. In particular, the vast majority of the Bible's descriptions of love are in the context of conflict. This is quite obvious in I Cor. 13’s classic definition of Biblical love.

It is patient. It has a long fuse and is not easily angered. Which implies something has happened in my relationship with the one I am called to love that tempts me to not be patient and to get angry. Something is wrong, uncomfortable, or aggravating. There is an irritant in the relationship.

It does not envy. There is a situation in which someone got something I want. Or got something they don’t deserve. And I am tempted to despise them for it instead of rejoice with them.

Love is not rude and does not rejoice in evil. I am tempted to cut down with sarcasm. I am tempted to be smugly satisfied when one gets what they have coming to them. They really do deserve some bad to come their way, and I am tempted to be glad when they get it.

Love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. I am tempted to hold onto every slight and bring them back up days, weeks, or months later at least to myself if not to the person themselves. When I love, I let go of my right to bitterness over a legitimate sin or slight against me. I choose to not write it down in my mental “You did me wrong” list.

But even more important than meditating on what Biblical love looks like for me is meditating on God’s love. After all, love is a FRUIT of the SPIRIT. In other words, love in my life is the overflow of my connectedness to God. So the place to start is with God’s love demonstrated in Scripture. Then I meditate on my union with Him. He’s the head, I am His Body. He’s the vine, I am the branch. The Spirit lives within me, and He produces such fruit within me.

We have just finished up a series on the fruit of the Spirit at church. The pastors regularly focused on how these fruit--love, joy, peace, goodness, and so forth--are first found perfectly in God Himself, and He is the source of them then in our lives. I LOVED especially the sermons on goodness and love. I also found the two on growth especially helpful.

So today, I meditate first on God’s love for me, which is definitely most obvious when contrasted to what I deserved instead. And from understanding His love, I am equipped to really love those in my life – not fake, poser love that is a happy smile when all is going well but fades into hopelessness or condemnation when things go south. But God’s love is by definition for when things go south – when conflict comes, when all is not well, when I am provoked, when life is not easy, when annoying long term problems continue week after week, month after month. Love “always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

Confessions of a (Former) Romance Novel Addict

In my humble opinion, there is no industry that understands and exploits the curse of Genesis 3:16 quite like the romance novel industry.  I am a veteran.  I stumbled across Harlequin romance novels as a young teen and got sucked in immediately.  Seasons came and went.  At times I was distracted from my addiction for months or even years.  But it would come back with a vengeance again and again.  I remember missing a very important appointment once because I got sucked into a romance novel after breakfast and read right through an afternoon obligation.  Another time, I lay in bed all day after finishing a Christian romance novel to the point that my roommate expressed genuine concern for me.  Believe me, I wasn’t meditating on the Christian message but obsessing over the forbidden romance.  

The romance novel industry is a case study in both the curse of Genesis 3:16 and our coping mechanisms for dealing with the curse.  The vast majority of romance novels written before the 1990’s have the classic love/hate relationship between the hero and heroine.  He usually starts as a villain (“he will rule over you”, Gen. 3:16).  Maybe he’s a pirate who takes over her ship.  Or he kidnaps her for some reason.  Or he’s English nobility and she the servant’s daughter.  But the “best” romance novels have a hero who rules over the heroine and often outright oppresses her.  Older romance novelists didn’t even attempt to mask it.  Instead they exploited it.  Women flock to stories of the bad guy who oppresses the girl but who finally rescues her and professes his love for her because she won him over with her beauty and charm.  It. Is. The. Curse.   It doesn’t matter that he oppresses her.  It doesn’t matter that she has to bear the pain and shame if he gets her pregnant.  She still wants him (and we still want him enough to read along and envision it for ourselves).  And when you are caught up in it, it feels too natural for you to see it for the ugly and pathetic thing it is.  It seems natural, not a curse.  But the curse is natural.  It is our nature apart from Christ. 

Then came the feminists.  Women still wanted their romance novels but they were embarrassed and offended by the misogyny the older ones propagated.  So after the mid 90’s, romance novels cleaned up their act.  Now if it’s a pirate, he’s pretty nice to the girl from the get go.  At least there is no outright pillage and rape.  The women seem stronger, the men a little more accommodating.  But the industry lost their sycophantic following after this change.  Women still love the older romance novels, and there remains quite a market for the older stories without the feminist clean up.  From the sidelines (because thankfully I am no longer caught up in it personally), I marvel at the blatant demonstration of the curse in the older ones and the coping mechanisms modern women have adopted demonstrated in the newer ones.  

The vampire genre of romance novels has long been a staple in the industry.  Stephanie Meyer’s has brought it to the forefront, but it has LONG existed (and flourished) in romance novel land.  The handsome vampire is the ultimate powerful bad guy.  Yet apart from Christ my tendency is to naively believe the heroine can change him, can appeal to his decent side, and that he will value the heroine so that he will stamp down his inherent urge to suck her blood to death.  Why do we buy that story line?  Because in the head of the woman stuck in the curse, it seems plausible.  It only takes a few degrees of separation for us to come to our senses and recognize that the only thing the vampire will do is kill the girl and convert her into the damned.  Because that’s the nature of vampires!  But, NO, we women want to believe she can reform him to meet her needs.  It’s the curse.  And apart from Christ, it’s our nature. 

I spent a long time as a mature, well educated, happily married woman still trapped in the world of romance novels that fed something in my flesh I didn’t even recognize.  It wasn’t until I studied Genesis 3:16 this last year that I finally understood the dynamics that characterized that addiction. 

I tried to end my relationship with romance novels many, many times over the years.  In a sense, I never did personally end it.  I can’t find the quote now, but either John Piper or Calvin Miller said something along the lines of seeing Jesus so clearly and getting a taste for His goodness that puts us out of taste for sin.  Something like that happened for me.  Gradually, I came to understand the character of God better.  I meditated on the gospel, and as it became clearer to me, it became more interesting to me than romance novels.  I didn’t have to discipline romance novels out of my life.  I just lost interest in them because something about God and the gospel started interesting me more.  It sounds … odd.  But God distracted me from romance novels with Himself and His gospel.  And one day, years later, I walked by my closet and saw that old bag of books and thought, I have NO desire to ever read those again, and I threw out the bag.

Romance novels aren’t really the issue.  But they can reveal the issue.  The issue is the curse. We by nature have a craving/longing/desire for something from a man that everyone else around us knows they can’t give.  And apart from Christ, the stories we write for ourselves are filled with our pathetic, deceived visions for what we want from men and how they are going to come through for us.  The answer isn’t to burn our bag of romance novels.  It’s to get a vision for Christ and all He has accomplished for us through the cross.  If you are encumbered with the soft porn of romance novels, I hope you’ll stand back for a moment and recognize what it reveals about your misplaced desires.  Then preach the gospel to yourself.  Again, and again, and again.  Preach it from different angles – God’s grace, God’s love, God’s glory.  But preach it.  Love it.  Adore it.  And over time you’ll be so distracted by His beauty you’ll forget what this post is even about. 

Counsel from the Cross

Oh. My. Word. The short version is BUY THIS BOOK.

Here's the longer version. I have written much about my concern over pink, fluffy bunny Bible studies. I have often called for a gospel-centered approach to women's ministry. And stupidly, I thought I was mostly alone (at least in terms of a gospel centered hermeneutic aimed particularly at women). Several commenters have recommended after such posts that I read Elyse Fitzpatrick's books. Since she's a Crossway author and I'm a Crossway author, I asked for her books and received Because He Loves Me,  Comforts from the Cross, and Counsel from the Cross.  I have started Because He Loves Me but am focusing my attention mostly on Counsel from the Cross: Connecting Broken People to the Love of Christ. 

Wow.  Just wow.  I'm only in the early chapters, but Elyse and co-author Dennis Johnson drew me in immediately with the premise and their thought provoking introduction.  The illustration in Chapter 1 of how to apply the gospel to the hurting mom is alone worth the price of the book (which to be clear, I got for free).  "Madeline" is a homeschooling mom who sacrificed everything to train her children to love God only to have her teenage daughter get pregnant after going behind her back to be with her boyfriend.  The mom is crushed and terribly angry with her daughter.  She sacrificed her life to train her daughter  -- for this?!!  Elyse and Dennis walk us through how the gospel informs our view of God, our view of ourselves, and our view of others.  They show specifically in Madeline's scenario how the gospel corrects Madeline's views of God (He's not tallying up merit based on her or her kid's performance.  He loves His children unconditionally), how the gospel corrects her view of herself (she too is a sinner in need of Christ's sacrifice;  she too is God's beloved daughter free from attempting to earn her Father's favor by her good works or her children's status in her community), and how the gospel corrects her view of her daughter (her daughter is a sinner but too a precious daughter of God.  Her life is affected by this pregnanacy, but her status before God and in His Body is not).  In some ways everything has changed for Madeline.  But in a much more expansive, supernatural sense, nothing has changed.  And at some point, as Madeline comes to terms with exactly who she is in Christ, she will be free to examine, though only through gospel grace, if some of her parenting techniques provoked secrecy and dishonesty in her daughter.  By the end of this illustration, I had MUCH on which to think, ponder, meditate, and self examine just in CHAPTER ONE!! 

I confess I'm only on Chapter 2.  But if I really like a book, I can never hold back talking about it here until I'm done.  I will probably post a follow up review when I'm finished reading it all.  But for now, this looks like the kind of book I will read, highlight every other sentence, and go back to reread as soon as I'm done.  In other words, I highly recommend it. 

Women's Ministry as a Means of Grace Part 2

Last week’s post on Women’s Ministry as a Means of Grace prompted thoughtful conversation. Women commented on the post, messaged me privately, and even called me at home. The common question was simply, “How do you do this?!!” How do you be transparent when you perceive that your environment is not safe for such honesty? Well, you need to cultivate an environment that IS safe. If you are a women’s leader, then you frankly need to LEAD. And here are some thoughts on how to practically point people in this direction.

Years ago while leading women’s ministry at a large church, other women in leadership positions came to me with the idea of a workshop on redeeming female sexuality. In our culture, women have definitely reached sexual equality with the men. But while men were coming forward in droves in the church dealing with promiscuity and pornography, women were still being quiet about it in shame. It took these leaders courageously coming forward with their own stories to shed light on it as a church. One friend had had a serious addiction to pornography that mastered her for a decade beginning as a middle schooler. Another had left the faith for a season and pursued bisexual relationships. Yet another actively pursued multiple partners in bars, proud to be the one who left in the morning before they could ask her name instead of the other way around. There stories were hard to share … and hard to hear. But each one KNEW that there were many, many others still in their situation that sat in Sunday services each week in shame. They knew how to confess gossip or bitterness. But they were so ashamed of their sexual history, they had no idea where to begin when it came to confessing that.

So these ladies modeled it for them. They came up before the women at this workshop and gave an honest (though not gratuitous) account of their sexual history. They brought their shame into the light. They told how God had met them at their lowest point and brought them to freedom in Christ (sometimes slowly over time, sometimes just starkly freeing them in a moment). But then here’s the kicker. After each had given her testimony, leaders in the church came up and publicly responded to them. One had her husband, an elder who supervised her church ministry, and another female leader respond. Each spoke of who she was in Christ and how this no longer defined her. They acknowledged the truth of her sin, but the last word over her was gospel grace. “Christ now defines you, sister. You wear His beautiful robe of righteousness. We do not see you clothed in this sin. In fact, in Christ you are washed clean, SPOTLESS. We see you now as Christ sees you.” In that workshop, we walked away with simple but profound truths. First, we need to confess! We must bring our sin into the light. And second, THIS is how you respond to someone when they bring their sin into the light. Not with condemnation! Not with silence! But with gospel grace!!! “God has spoken great grace and love over you, and His word is the last word that defines who you are and how we are going to view you as your brothers and sisters in Christ.” Though the topic was sexuality, the same idea applies to moving toward honest, grace filled women’s ministry on any topic.

If you are burdened to lead women in this direction, I first suggest you run your ideas clearly by your church leadership structure. Such an event has the high probability of rubbing someone the wrong way, even if you are VERY careful with how you structure it. If you don’t have the support from your church leadership, you are right off the bat creating an unsafe environment for such an event.

Second, teaching women how to respond to such honesty is foundational. You have to deal head on with the unsolicited advice giver (referred to as UAGs from this point on), that lady who speaks from the hip on all the things she knows, not from hard won experience from all the things she’s suffered. You know the difference, and UAGs come out of the woodwork the second anyone is honest. They suck grace out of a room. They speak out of pride, though they may cloak it in Scripture and, possibly, experience. And they need to be rebuked before they ever begin.

Third, it’s the leaders who must lead. You have to be the first to bring your ugliness into the light. Maybe it’s been marriage struggles. Maybe you struggled to like your own kids. One that really kicked me in the gut was when an elder’s wife gave tearful confession of her long struggle with gluttony – sneaking dinner from the McDonald’s drive thru before second dinner at home with her husband. Boy did women come out of the woodwork after that. I struggled with that and STILL struggle with it. But her confession ministered great grace to me to face my own struggle head on.

This is not the last word on women’s ministries that minister gospel grace. I hope this post will generate further discussion that leads to further posts. I certainly don’t have all the answers, and each comment you make is helpful to us all defining what this looks like in reality.

**In the short term, I highly recommend reading any of Elyse Fitzpatrick's books, but in particular Counsel from the Cross. She has great insight on what gospel grace looks like applied to every issue women face. I hope to review some of her books on this blog soon.**

Who first feminized the church?

I read a recent blog article on the current trend in conservative evangelical churches against the “feminization of the church.” That phrasing has always left me uncomfortable. I’ve downplayed my concerns for years, but I think that was wrong on my part. Why? Really, it’s the same reason that I don’t accept cries against a masculine view of God. God speaks of Himself in masculine terms (the occasional feminine one, but overwhelmingly in masculine, husbandly, fatherly terms). But at the same time, the very first person to speak of the church in feminine terms was God Himself through His inspired Word. Throughout the Old Testament, Scripture uses feminine imagery for God’s people (such as the entire book of Hosea). In the New Testament, it is starkly clear and unavoidable in Ephesians 5. Like it or not, you and I, male and female, are part of the corporate BRIDE of Christ. And there is a reason God speaks of it that way. God wants us to understand something of our relationship with Him through this terminology.

The truth from Scripture is that God first feminized the church! And we conservative evangelicals need to just deal with it. As a woman, I have little sympathy for men who squirm with discomfort at the idea that they are part of the Bride of Christ. Do you know how many HARD, UNCOMFORTABLE things Scripture says to women? I daily have to wrestle with God to submit to His vision for me when it conflicts with my own for myself. Respect? Submit? You can try to paint them in glorious tones but the truth is that these are hard, hard concepts for women to embrace. Yet embrace them we must for our good and God’s glory. There’s a part of me that feels like telling men to just “man up” when it comes to dealing with the imagery from Ephesians 5. “Buck it up. Deal with it. We women have to do it ALL the time with Scripture. You can too.” You can hear the grace oozing out of that response, right?! (That was sarcasm.) I, of course, don’t tell men that. Actually, I don’t attempt to tell men much of anything. But I am mentioning it to myself on this blog. I know some men read along, and I hope that you can hear this and just be caused to think.

When conservative, complementarian evangelicals (of which I am one) use the phrase “feminization of the church” in a negative sense, they are usually talking about types of songs or preaching, maybe the style of dress or decorations in the sanctuary. But I’m afraid part of the by-product is downplaying the significance of how God Himself in His inspired Word talks of us in relationship with Him. Maybe there is something about the inherent nature of our relationship with God that is easier understood by a woman than a man. I feel for men who struggle with being the Bride of Christ. I am thankful that analogy brings me comfort and peace. It has, in fact, brought me MUCH comfort and peace over the years. I understand what Paul is teaching through that analogy in Ephesians, and I am blessed by it. I am sorry that for a lot of men that analogy is uncomfortable and even threatening. But I still think it’s unhealthy to downplay it.

If conservative evangelicals want to refocus ministry efforts toward men who have often been overlooked, we need another rallying cry than one against the “feminization of the church.” Scripture feminizes the church! You can’t hold tightly to the Word of God in one hand and decry the way Scripture talks of the Body from the other. I’ve heard the idea that if you get the man into church, you get his wife and family as well. That is true. But if you get the man into church while downplaying and even mocking how Scripture speaks of his corporate identity in the Bride of Christ, what happens to his wife and family in the church as a result is not necessarily a good thing.

*This is a charged issue. If you want to comment, please be respectful – no piling on!! And if you want to push back, that’s fine too. I can take it. But no attacks against specific people or ministries, please.*

Sick and Godly

I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was 25 years old. I am 40 now, and while diabetes is not exactly my friend, it is certainly no longer my enemy. Otherwise, I’ve enjoyed relatively good health—it all depends to whom you are comparing yourself, right? But in the last year, I’ve had a series of annoying, debilitating issues—sinus infections, plantar fasciitis, and a recurring infection in my back. In the middle of it all, I found a lump in my breast and had to have a biopsy on it (it was benign).

I am blessed to have good insurance and an informed arsenal of helpful doctors. I get better, and I remember what it is like to feel good. Then I digress. The heel pain from the plantar fasciitis is the worst. Everything I do requires my feet (except typing this blog post). With a 3 and 5 year old, I have to get up and walk. And it hurts ALL the time.

My standard of housekeeping is lower. I stay in the house more. The boys watch more TV than some might say is a good idea. And I give myself grace on that. But there is a place that concerns me – it’s very easy to justify reactions that are not like Christ because I feel bad. It may take a while for me to get back the consistent energy level I used to have. I’m ok if my house is a little messier for a while – I’m not a neat freak so that doesn’t stress me. But I still have a Biblical obligation to love as God defines the term, to be patient with my children, and to be hopeful for my future (after all I KNOW that God will not disappoint me – Isaiah 49:23).

So how do you be sick and godly? I can be well and sort of godly, but when I’m sick, I’m discouraged, frazzled, and short tempered. When my feet ache and my boys need yet another something right after I’ve sat down, I get angry. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to them. It’s not fair to my husband. I want to help him in the ways God designed me to help. He’s working hard to provide for our family as God has called him to do. It just doesn’t seem right.

How do you be sick and godly? How do you watch multiple conflicting needs go unmet because you are physically unable to meet them and not get angry or bitter? I reached a limit this week. I sat in my chair crying as my boys asked me to get them a drink. They were THIRSTY. They are little and can’t reach the cups on their own. That is a legitimate need! But I had just sat down and my feet hurt so bad.

You know what I did? I humbly emailed a group of sisters in Christ. And they came through for me! Their ministry of grace to me reset my system. Two different friends took my boys to the park. Another took them to her house even though it was my turn to host the playdate. Another took them to church for me Sunday so that I could go home and rest. I want to be the friend who takes the meals to the new mom, who cares for the kids of the sick parent. I want to be the strong wife who supports her husband. Instead, I am the needy one. Instead of me sacrificing to meet all their needs, they are stopping to meet mine. And that is HUMBLING. But it also is beautiful. God doesn’t let me live in delusions of independence even though my human nature longs to go there. I want to be independent, self sufficient, and reliable. God forces on me dependence – dependence on Him and dependence on His Body.

How do you be sick and godly? I still don't know exactly, but I do know God has called me in this moment to HUMILITY. I have to lay it down. I can’t do it. I can’t be the capable wife and mom with it all together. I can’t even keep up a façade, let alone the real thing. I need Christ’s Body. Tonight, I am praising God in particular for older single friends with a love for kids who took mine, ran them ragged, and handed them back to me WORN OUT. But they didn’t even know to offer until I sobbed out at the end of my rope, “I need help.” That’s humbling. Yet, I have hope for tomorrow that I did not have two days ago because God humbled me and used my sisters in Christ to minister grace to me that equips me now to face tomorrow without despair. I’m reminded tonight that it is more than OK to be humbled.

Facebook Bible Study Experiment Begins Today

If you are interested in being part of the discussion on facebook of By His Wounds You Are Healed, just click on the facebook icon in the left sidebar. If you don't have a copy yet and want to get started quickly, email theologyforwomen@gmail.com for a PDF copy (free if you've purchased the book, $3 if not). All are welcome to participate even if you come into the discussion a little late!