I have been living for a while in the tension between getting things done and being available for the people who need me. Accomplishment verses relationship. I think there are truths here that impact us at any stage of life, but I'm dealing with it right now in the context of young motherhood. I do not write this from a place of authority. I fail way too much on this myself, and therefore this is mostly a lecture to myself. But you are welcome to read along.
I read a quote on someone's blog and now am at a complete loss as from where it came. But it quoted an older mom who said something along the lines that she wished she had understood that making dinner, helping with homework, and generally being there for her children really was enough at that stage of life. It reminded me how many other things I daily want to accomplish and the constant frustration I face that I can't. I've been meditating on what God has called me to do at this stage of life verses what I want to accomplish at this stage--relationship verses accomplishment.
I want accomplishment. I still long for accomplishment at work (I have taught highschool and community college math for 16 years). Now, I only teach part time, online classes at the community college. And (as many online teachers will tell you) it doesn't really seem like teaching. I miss that and would love to accomplish greater things there.
I wrote a book, and now I would like to write another one. And they are books about the Bible and Christian things. That's a good, noble goal. But time to write and edit now is virtually nonexistent.
I would like to make better dinners and be a more accomplished housekeeper. The accomplishment I really want for today is just to get my kitchen countertop clean and uncluttered. That would make me feel good about myself for today even if I can't write a book or be nobly lauded for my teaching accomplishments.
But God has called me to prioritize things differently today. I am convicted quite strongly that He has called me to relationship over accomplishment today. Relationship to Him, my husband, my boys, and my brothers and sisters in Christ. What do moms most need at this stage of life? What is THE thing that will sustain us for the long haul? It isn't accomplishment. It is most definitely relationship. And if I have a minimal amount of time to choose between the two, I am always wiser served by choosing relationship.
It's easy to mix up relationship and accomplishment with each of these groups. I often read my Bible to check it off my list of things to do, substituting accomplishment of a task for real relationship with God. But when I earnestly seek Him in the Word and wrestle with Him in prayer, it doesn't necessarily take more time than checklist Bible reading, but it certainly is more effective in sustaining me throughout the day. I can mistake doing things for my husband (accomplishment) for really listening to him when he talks. I am working on putting down whatever I'm trying to accomplish in that moment and give him my full attention--really hearing what he's telling me and asking follow up questions so that I can KNOW him. And oh how easy it is to substitute DOING things for my boys for really taking time to know them and listen to them. I made homemade playdough for my 4 year old this week. For me, that was a cool, Mommy accomplishment. But sitting with him afterward and listening to him tell me what he was doing with the playdough--moving from accomplishment to relationship--was hard. "Not now, Luke! I'm DOING something for you. I can't TALK to you." It certainly seems silly after the fact, but my natural inclination is to do for my boys at the expense of real relationship with them.
Finally, as I pursue relationship over accomplishment with God, my husband, and my boys, I find real relationship with my sisters in Christ really helpful to the others. Sometimes, I want to believe that doing something for others in the Body of Christ (taking a meal, watching someone's kids, or volunteering for whatever assignment comes up) is a reasonable substitute for real relationship. But those things don't sustain either. I am very thankful for friends these last 2 weeks who have pursued real relationship with me, giving me concrete help and encouragement on very specific things with which I struggled.
Praise God that He knows us and desires to be known by us. No other god pursues real relationship with his people like our God.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
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10 comments:
I think the same way, wendy. Here I shared my thoughts too:http://www.workandworship.com/people-or-tasks-can-people-be-tasks/
the struggle continues...
love- trisha
This issue reminds me of this section of C. S Lewis's essay (Learning in wartime):
"You would be surprised if you knew how soon one begins to feel the shortness of the tether, of how many things, even in middle life, we have to say “No time for that,” “Too late now,” and “Not for me.” .. A more Christian attitude, which can be attained at any age, is that of leaving futurity in God’s hands. We may as well, for God will certainly retain it whether we leave it to Him or not. Never, in peace or war, commit your virtue or your happiness to the future. Happy work is best done by the man who takes his long-term plans somewhat lightly and works from moment to moment “as to the Lord.” It is only our daily bread that we are encouraged to ask for. The present is the only time in which any duty can be done or grace received."
Hi Wendy,
We are almost through your book in the Sunday School class I am teaching. It has evoked great conversations and we have definitely gotten to know more about our Great God. It really has given us all the desire to know God more. Thanks for writing.
yes yes yes. this is good. i think this is the train wreck that most when don't want to be in - the sanctification of becoming nothing and seeing that love is our highest calling. love God and love others, especially our "little others." i think most women don't want this kind of life - it's actually the hardest thing a woman can submit to in my experience. but i have seen the most joy, the most change, the most exposure of my sin, the most confrontation of what sacrifice is, and the most transformation in my season of being a mom the past two years. you cannot avoid sin, God, relationship, and your need for the gospel at home with young children.
Hi,
I just wanted to let you know I linked to this post. Great thoughts. Love this blog; waiting on the book from Amazon.
---Brandi
How do you recommend pursuing a friendship that all that person wants is accomplishment -- meals, childcare, etc. and they resist just spending time together? From a point of grace and Christian love, I often minister to this person in physical ways, but I would love the ability to just get together for a cup of coffee and prayer!
That's a great question. I think you can't make a relationship happen, but you can be watchful and ready when the Spirit starts to make it happen, and available to stop and listen when the other person is finally ready to talk. My experience is that I get frustrated when someone isn't open to conversation when I am. But then when they finally do open up, I am distracted by my agenda and not willing to stop and listen.
Thanks, Ruth. I'm glad you are reading and that it's been encouraging to you.
I think I could've written this post, except for the whole having a book published part. I feel as if the Lord has to keep reminding me "I'm about PEOPLE, Lisa. Love PEOPLE in my Name!"
Thank you for sharing. Going from a working mom to a stay at home mom, I am often looking for those accomplishments to make me feel like I have a purpose. You have reminded me that the relationships REALLY are what matters. Have a fabulous day....I think I will go kiss my husband and ask him to tell me again about his day except this time I will REALLY listen.
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