Here is the progression I've witnessed.
1) A woman comes to Christ. To this point in her life she has found her identity in perhaps her fashion sense, her boyfriend, or if she's really got it together, her respectable career.
2) This woman is seeking to obey. She hears teaching about women's roles in the church and home. She wants to conform. It's hard to switch from finding your identity and self respect in how you look or your high paying job. But her new set of friends seem to really value marriage and raising children. Keeping your house, training your children, being a good cook. This woman now starts to value these things in place of the old things she used to look to for her identity.
The conclusion is that this woman has only transferred her old idolatry of her job, fashion sense, respect in her community, boyfriend, and so forth. Her new idolatry is her home, her husband, and her children. Her self worth depends on how neat her home, how tasteful and well presented her meals, how well behaved and Biblically informed her children. For many, they excel here. They find self worth in their accomplishments in the home. For many others, they only find self condemnation. I was in this second camp. I am messy and find it very hard to keep my house clean. Though I'm from a family of great cooks, I myself am not the best. And, though I feel much better about raising my boys right now than I did even 6 months ago, I have struggled watching my friends with children their same age who excel at things to which it hasn't even occurred to me to expose my boys.
Thankfully, God has worked long and hard to free me from finding my identity and self worth in either my job at the community college or my house keeping skills. He has been prying out of my grasp all those things I look to daily for self worth. Instead, He is replacing my quest for identity with the gift of Himself. In particular, it is my spiritual blessings in Christ as outlined in Ephesians 1 that have been a resting place for me in the life long battle to figure out why I should get up in the morning.
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 4For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love 5he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. 7In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace 8that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. 9And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, 10to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.
11In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, 12in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. 13And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory.
I am God's daughter, chosen by Him before time began to reflect the lavish beauty of His glorious grace. He has deposited in me the Holy Spirit as the seal that guarantees that God will fulfill every last thing He has promised to me and hold my inheritance securely for me for eternity. Then Paul concludes the chapter with the great prayer.
17I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 19and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, 20which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms,
This is the prayer that I must make my own. Father, open my eyes. Enlighten me to all you have done for me and called me to be. Help me understand the hope of my inheritance. Help me live in light of the incomparable power at work on my behalf. May my eternal inheritance alone be the filter through which I view all my successes and failures in life. I am just a steward of the gifts you give (and take away) in this life. The meaning of all of it is lost if I don't read it through the lense of my unshakeable inheritance in You.
Then, I can move from finding either self worth or self condemnation in my home keeping skills. Oddly enough, I usually feel much more equipped to do the things I need to do to keep my home functioning in God-honoring ways once I lose my grip on it in terms of self-identity. I have found that God is pretty jealous and quite willing to frustrate my attempts to find my worth in anything other than His finished work for me on the cross.
I hope you too will examine yourself. Complementarian idolatry is alive and vibrant in the church. And it is as evil as any other option.
Next week, I hope to offer some positive thoughts on reforming women's ministries.
12 comments:
That is a great illustration and I agree with your assesment of the idolatry element of "women's roles".
When I read The Cross Centered Life by C.J. Mahaney the "plate spinning" analogy he used had me in tears - but MY plates at that time were not so much devotional time and personal holiness - but parenting and keeping my home. It has been made very clear to me that these are the things I look at to determine my success and self-worth. Because I know I'm a results-drivin legalist I have to guard against that in all areas. At times it's theology, or service, other times it's my family - but it's always idolatry.
So, while we still need to do the job of training ourselves and others to live in obedience to the specific ways women are to live in light of the Gospel, we need to have a firm hold on the Gospel in order to avoid making these issues of obedience into issues of identity and acceptance - idols?
If something is viewed as an impossible standard to be lived up to or risk being viewed as a failure - we have to choose either humility and actually trusting in Christ and being transformed by the Gospel or we choose rebellion and end up mocking the things God values and has designed to build his church.
phew, sorry for the long winded comment. This is an excellent topic :)
Oooh - I'll have to look into the discussion comments on your last post.
I think this concept goes back to what is really important to Christ:
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others." Matthew 23:23
Recently the thought struck me that many people can look at me and give me verbal 'pats on the back' because I homeschool ("wow, that's amazing") or am home full time with my boys ("I could never do that!") or cloth diaper or ... fill in the blank. But here's what truly indicates growth in the Lord: the fruit of the Holy Spirit. These fruit have nothing to do with the actual tasks I have at hand and everything to do with the manner in which I live the life God has given to me.
Making a role into an idol is to put a heavy burden onto one's self and/or others.
Thanks Wendy.
I have often felt that gospel shaped priorities make it very, very hard to meet the expectations set up in a lot of complementarian resources.
The rhetoric of "the home" in reformed women's resources often concerns me. It is easy to justify materialism and greed as long as it is expressed in "the home".
I think the home matters a lot, but not as an end in itself, but because of the relationships it enables (first in the family, then in welcoming outsiders into our families for the sake of Jesus).
If we are doing a faithful job of relationships (by welcoming people regularly into our homes), it is really hard to have a pristine home. If we are being generous, maybe we won't have as much money free to decorate beautifully.
If we are trying to welcome others to share our lives (and the gospel) in our homes, then there should be lots of food, but it can't always be spectacular!
So, I do agree with the centrality of the home, but for the sake of the next age, not this one.
"Married for God" by Christopher Ash is brilliant in setting up a biblical theology of marriage and combatting idoaltry of marriage, while holding a womderfully complentarian perspective. Not written by a woman, but so helpful in holding gospel grounded complementarian convictions.
I think this sheds light on why I am left with a negative feeling when I read some women's blogs where there is so much emotionally-charged, tear-jerky "I want to be the best wife/mom in the world and give my children the best childhood so they'll be so happy and feel so loved" type posts. Mom this, mom that, wife this, wife that, my child this, my child that - so much emphasis on the woman and her role! So much looking at me and my role leaves me feeling down and out because I fail so much. What brings me back up is when I forget all that and take a look at the cross and the over-abundant mercy that it provides me! Then I am able to better handle things in my home and have joy in doing so because the focus isn't on me, my children and I, it's on Christ.
Also, I grew up in a church sect that placed heavy burdens of guilt on a woman in all the teachings for the women. There was so much emphasis on all the duties of a wife and mother, and very little talk of drawing from the well of mercy when we fail. I'm becoming more and more of the mind that every lesson taught on any given topic should end with a look at the cross and the mercy of God for a believer, because therein lies the conclusion to perhaps every problem that life brings our way.
Your articles have been very timely for me as I've been thinking some of the same thoughts lately and have been working through Ephesians recently too. I feel that you're a kindred spirit, Wendy! Much of what I've read about you on your blog has been true of me also.
Katie
Yikes! I am very concerned that we're glossing over a key principle from God's Word, here: Obedience = Joy. That's taught throughout the Word. We certainly don't keep our homes and focus on our husband and children to earn God's favor, but if we are obedient Christians who love God, that's where our focus will be as wives and mothers. We may feel more "useful" counseling a friend, writing an article/blog/book, or teaching a Bible study, but the fact is that those commands are secondary to our responsibility at home once we're married. Don't let your personal feelings about homemaking cloud your discernment of the Word, or you will lose your joy!
I'll clarify. There is certainly great joy to be had in obedience to God. The weight comes when we misunderstand what makes obedience possible.
I'm not going to hash out the illustration of Big Rocks here. I hope you have already heard it. But what are the Big Rocks for women? Love God. Love others. Seek first His kingdom. Be conformed to the image of Christ. Once we get the most important things in place, we can place the specific applications of each in their rightful place. But all specific issues of obedience He calls us to do as women hang on the Big Rocks. And our only hope of obedience is utter dependence on Christ at all points.
Thanks for your speedy reply, Wendy. Here is the link where Carolyn Mahaney expresses everything ever so much more beautifully than I can...
http://www.girltalkhome.com/pdf/The%20Highly%20Effective%20Woman.pdf
You are correct -- we do have to have the big rocks you mentioned. I think we perhaps disagree on whether homemaking, marital harmony, and child-rearing are big rocks or little rocks.
If I see a woman who is consistently having difficulty with submission, can't control her children, and has a slovenly home, I can pretty safely assume she hasn't apprehended the "big rocks". She has a head knowledge only...it hasn't reached her heart yet. James has a great deal to say on being hearers but not doers of the Word.
Your post was correct...there are many women idolizing their homes. My concern is that there are just as many, if not more, who are willing to fall into disobedient patterns of living under the guise of grace. "Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? God forbid!"
I love Cathy's reminders about our homes being places of hospitality - for the little ones who live here, for the visitors that come and go...
Anonymous is emphasizing obedience to "stay at home" as a priority for married women. I believe that over the course of history this has been translated in many different ways. We no longer live (in North America, anyhow!) in an agricultural society where women worked alongside their husbands in seemingly more tangible ways than those of us today who stay at home and do not earn a wage. I am a tremendous advocate for mothers and children remaining together as much as possible - and yet I am learning that I truly cannot judge whether a woman is being obedient to scripture based on her wage earning status, or how much time she is away from home, or whether her house is "slovenly" or not.
A woman who stays at home full time and keeps an orderly home and makes amazing meals on a ridiculously small budget may or may not be exhibiting and growing in the fruit of the Spirit. She may or may not be motivated truly by Love (remember 1 Corinthians 13:1-3). How am I to know? On the other hand, a woman who struggles with managing her house and has unruly children may be on a journey and her heart may be fully committed to obediently serving and loving the Lord. How can we - from an outsiders perspective - know whether she hasn't already made tremendous progress out of bondage from her past?
How does the Gospel influence these situations? The woman who (by all appearances) has it all together will marvel at God's grace to her, will be transparent about her shortcomings (will know that she has them!) and will look to Christ for her identity - seeking to avoid self-righteousness in her sucesses at home.
The woman who struggles with home management will not compare herself with others, but will look to Christ for her identity. She will seek Him for a full measure of His Grace, not burdened by condemnation, and do "the next thing" as He leads, not trying in her own strength, but motivated by God's goodness and mercy to her ....
etc.
I like the idea of filtering our lives through the Gospel. I'm looking forward to hearing more of your ideas on the subject, Wendy, and hope you don't mind that I just wrote so much here!
"I think we perhaps disagree on whether homemaking, marital harmony, and child-rearing are big rocks or little rocks."
Right. In the illustration of the Big Rocks, the Big Rocks are core to the gospel, without which you do not have the gospel. There are many who don't know Christ at all with hospitable homes, loving marriages, and respectable children. You can have that one without the gospel. And having hospitable homes, loving marriages, and respectable children apart from the gospel makes us no difference than the orthodox Jews that live on my street. Moral. Good values. Well kept homes. Submissive wives. Obedient children. Without Christ.
I am not arguing against complementarian values. My home is the center and springboard of any ministry I have. My husband is my first priority and my boys follow. All other ministry has to submit to those first priorities. But I will repeat my original concern. I have felt social pressure in the Christian culture to conform to and maintain a subjective standard of housecleaning, food prep, and child rearing that became an oppressive standard that stole my joy and had me living in self-condemnation. John Piper pointed me to Christ in a post on his blog that we are no longer in condemnation in Christ (Romans 8:1). I had to wrestle with why I was feeling condemned. I realized I was feeling pressure to conform to a standard more precise than God's own requirements. But even after I filtered through the extra pressures and got to the meat of what God calls me to be as a wife and mom created to reflect something about Himself, I STILL realized my utter dependence on Him to obey His standard.
Sometimes I get it right and excel in my God-given obligations. I enjoy those moments in humility for I recognize that it was God and not myself that gave me the desire and ability to obey Him. Sometimes I miserably fail. Then I fall on His grace and mercy, praising Him that I no longer face condemnation. That Christ has born all of my condemnation on the cross. That I neither find my self worth or self condemnation in my accomplishments or failures in my home. My identity is God's adopted daughter to the praise of His glorious grace. That is my secure position held firmly by the Holy Spirit. THAT GOOD NEWS empowers me day by day.
Cathy, I appreciate how you worded this.
If we are doing a faithful job of relationships (by welcoming people regularly into our homes), it is really hard to have a pristine home. If we are being generous, maybe we won't have as much money free to decorate beautifully.
If we are trying to welcome others to share our lives (and the gospel) in our homes, then there should be lots of food, but it can't always be spectacular!
So, I do agree with the centrality of the home, but for the sake of the next age, not this one.
Dear Wendy,
Thank you so much for this. The idolatry of the home really hits "home" with me. I would have never recognized this because we are in fact taught that this is our calling and ministry. I have seen other women in my life excelling and I feel like a failure and the enemy takes his hold. With this, I feel I now have a weapon to fight these lies that I am a failure, that I can't have more than one child, that I should be ashamed. All of these prevents me from hospitality, from having joy here in the home and from really even trying. I thank God that he speaks so clearly through you. I love you and appreciate your testimony.
I'm just a passerby and am a first time reader of this blog. Praise GOD though, He has used your entry to minister to me with the exact words I needed at this exact phase in my life! Paul really does put things into perspective in Ephesians. Thank you for posting!
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