I have gained insight into a tiny piece of this from watching the teachers at our preschool. Sometimes, kids have strong opinions on something that is negotiable. If there is room to accomodate, the teachers will always do whatever they can to do so. They are very gracious. But sometimes there are non-negotiables. No, right now, every student in class has to sit on the rug at meeting. No, taking off your shoes and socks outside in the rain is not an option. The answer to the children with non-negotiables is that either they can do it on their own, or a grownup will help them do it. In that setting, the kids usually choose to conform, but sometimes if they remain stubbornly set on their own way, a grownup will gently but firmly help them to do what they are supposed to do. I think this model has beautiful Biblical parallels.
My youngest has tapped into his strong will and started insisting on his own way very adamantly. Last week, the issue was just putting his dishes away. I can't believe how adamant he was to not obey me. And it didn't matter what consequences I offered, he refused to do what I asked. It got to the point that, short of child abuse, I was out of options to force him to do my bidding on his own. Then it occurred to me--"Ok. I will help you obey," and I carried him and his plate to put it in the sink.
"Help me obey." How many times have I cried out to God for this? And other times, I have had no desire to obey--I've just wanted to follow my own path. I find God is very gracious to turn me back to Himself and His way. He HELPS me obey. He removes stumblingblocks to my obedience. When I am tempted to sin, He makes a way for me to bear it.
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
When I carried my son to put his dish in the sink, I almost cried thinking of all the times God has carried me to accomplish His will when I was too weak or stubborn or rebellious to do it on my own. He has poured His full wrath for my sins on Christ on the cross, and now He proactively trains me in righteousness by His gracious good hand helping me transform into something I could never accomplish on my own. In this model, disciplining my children stops being a struggle of justice and punishment but becomes a meditation on the mercy, grace, and goodness of God that conforms me to His image. I believe the greatest model for any of us on what godly parenting looks like is God Himself. I would challenge all of us to look at our parenting skills and then ask what it reflects on how we view God our Father and how we think he parents us. You might be amazed at some very wrong views of God that trickle down in how you parent as well.
5 comments:
I like your solution for handling a disobedient child. I hope you, at least, made him hold the plate while carrying him. I never would have thought of that.
No, I didn't, because at that point he would have just thrown the plate. :-) He was in a very bad frame of mind. I sat and held him afterwards, and once he calmed down we talked about what happened, what he should have done, and so forth.
I continue to wrestle over methods for changing their hearts rather than crushing their spirits. We regularly talk through the greatest command. I ask them individually, "What does God say is the most important thing?" And the oldest knows "Love God and love other people." Then we talk about the Bible description of love in I Cor. 13 and whether their action right then is showing love for God or their brother. That's a slow and tedious process usually without immediate results, but I'm seeing fruit from that discussion over time.
Thank you so much for sharing this... Thank you!!
i like this post for two reasons. one - gives me a very simple step with my toddlers in their disobedience. and two, in my own walk with christ lately i have just been convinced by a lie in my head that i cannot escape certain sins of mine. they are too great. the truth is that though my enemy is too great for ME, he is not too great for CHRIST. christ is enough. he declared it to me when i needed it most this past weekend. i believed him. and it is going to change my coming days with these persistent sin areas. i like having those words to cry out - LORD HELP ME OBEY! surely i cannot will myself to obey, much less carry it out, without you!!
thank you wendy. always love the insight God gives you. i struggle as you do with changing their hearts vs. breaking their spirits and find His grace and mercy to always be the answer when guiding and lovingly correcting our children.
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