Reforming Female Sexuality

This is an excerpt from By His Wounds You Are Healed: How the Message of Ephesians Transforms a Woman's Identity

Ephesians 5: 3-4 But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.

Filthiness v. thanksgiving

As I studied this section of Ephesians, it dawned on me that I could write an entire separate manuscript to women just on these two verses. There is much to unpack here, so I appreciate Stott’s summary phrase for these two verses—“Don’t joke about sex, but rather give thanks for it.” It is helpful to have this overview in mind as we look at the specific parts of these verses. Some reading this might nod their head vehemently in agreement and be content to move on quickly. But I was hit in the gut that this was not going to be a simple, short section on which to write. This is about the redemption of our views of sex—about moving from the sexual perversions brought on by our depravity and replacing it with a view of sex that does not just endure it but actually enjoys God’s design and is thankful for it. On this subject more than any other, I am glad this book is geared toward women and not because I would be embarrassed to write on this subject if it was geared toward men. That is another issue altogether. No, I am overjoyed to write on this to women primarily because others rarely do.

Over the years, I have seen more and more written in evangelical circles toward men concerning sexual sin. While I think that is a helpful development, I have realized in terms of sexual sin that women (at least in my culture) have definitely reached equality with men. Why would churches spend so much time on men’s sexual addictions without realizing the need to have a similar focus for women? Perhaps the reason is, that as shameful as it is for a man to struggle with pornography, masturbation, multiple partners, or the like, the shame our Christian society projects on a woman for such sin is a hundred times worse. Because of the shame attached to sin in this area, Christian women tend to struggle in silence with sexual sin more than any other sin issue in my humble opinion.

Several godly friends of mine, all leaders in women’s ministry in their respective churches, shared with me their own experience, calling my attention to the fact that women can struggle with sexual sin as deeply as men. This required them to publicly share their struggles with sexual sin and was a hard, humbling step for these women to take. But once they were honest with their struggle, other women started coming forward in droves. If you are struggling with sexual sin, I hope you know that you are not alone and that God is powerful to redeem and restore you.

I am burdened for both those who have struggled with sexual sin and those who have not. In Christian circles, many remnants of the story line from the Scarlet Letter—shaming of those who have sinned, self-flagellation by offenders in an attempt to clean their conscience, isolation from Christian community, and so forth remain the default response to sexual sin. Ephesians equips those of us who have struggled with sexual sin to deal with our sin in Christ and those of us who have not to humbly walk beside those who have without casting shame. If you get anything of the gospel that Paul has presented to this point, you know that sexual sin or not, all of us have sinned against God in dark, alienating ways. But instead of shaming us, God sent his son to bear the shame for us, and by his wounds we are healed.

In terms of sex, I want to focus on what God is moving us away from, what he is moving us toward, and how he accomplishes this in our lives. First, we see that our old clothing included sexual immorality, all types of impurity, filthiness, foolish talk, and crude joking. Let’s plod through the definitions of each so that we let Scripture filter out our cultural assumptions and fully understand what God means with these terms.

The Greek term for sexual immorality, porneia, covers a wide spectrum—adultery, sex with animals, and general fornication (sex with anyone outside of marriage) . The term for all impurity in 5:3 is the same word used in Ephesians 4:19.

19They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity.

It simply means not pure. To get a better frame of reference for what impurity indicates here, we need to understand what pure, untainted, pollution free sex looks like. What did God intend sex to be? He designed sex to be selflessly enjoyed between a husband and a wife. It is not to be sacrificially endured at the expense of one spouse. Nor is it to be pursued for individual selfish enjoyment (I Corinthians 7). Understanding God’s good plan for sex allows us to recognize those views of sex that fall short of his standard and fit the very broad category of all impurity.

In both Ephesians 4:19 and here, Paul gives an interesting qualifier with the term pleonexia that helps us recognize what things are incompatible with God’s pure, untainted plan for sex. In Ephesians 4:19 it is translated greedy, and here it is covetousness. It points to an insatiable desire for more. This unquenchable desire, which even when it gets what it thinks it wants is still not satisfied, is the root of what separates God’s good design for sex in marriage with all perversions of it.

Paul then mentions filthiness, foolish talk, and crude joking. The term for filthiness points to something that is dishonorable and is derived from the word translated shameful in verse 12, which we’ll get to in a bit. Foolish talk is the Greek word morologia, which basically means the language of morons or the talk of fools. And finally there is crude joking. The Greek word means humorous banter. The King James Version uses the simple word “jesting” and is probably the closest translation. Other versions have added the adjective coarse or crude because the instruction against this humorous banter is in the context of sexual impurity.

Some people will adamantly argue that these Greek words have very specific meanings that we should all agree on in our current generation. But in my experience, that is a simplistic understanding of both the teaching in this section and our culture in general. I have lived in South Carolina, South Korea, and Seattle, Washington. When I lived in South Carolina, I attached to this instruction a set of words, phrases, and topics that were off limits. Then I moved to South Korea and realized how many of my southern cultural assumptions were irrelevant or outright offensive in this strange new culture I was learning. I learned that some elements of my polite southern behavior actually communicated the exact opposite of what I intended. Then I moved to Seattle and was faced with learning even more about my inadequate understanding of the language of morons and jokes that do not fit the occasion. Not long after I moved to Seattle, I asked a friend who was raised in Seattle what she thought of as offensive joking. Her response convicted me of many things about which I had not given much thought.

Each of these Greek terms is rather broad in its definition. Therefore, I find the clarifying phrase, “which are out of place” quite helpful. How do you determine what types of talk and what types of jokes are foolish and immoral? Well, they are out of place, they do not meet the needs of the moment, and they do not minister grace to the hearer. This requires us to move beyond checklists of inappropriate words, phrases, or jokes. We have to actually engage with others to be aware of their needs. What type of words fit this occasion? What type of joking (if any) is appropriate in this particular setting with these particular people? What will cause offense? What words or jokes reflect a depraved view of sex? Do my words reflect a fool’s view of sex or thanksgiving for sex as God designed it?

This is what God is moving us away from. And we know what he is moving us toward in terms of sex—selfless, enjoyable sex between husband and wife as God intended when he created us in perfection in his image. But how do we get there? The final phrase from verse 4 is the missing link, “instead let there be thanksgiving.” If you are like me, you likely wondering what thanksgiving has to do with the topic at hand. We are moving from self-centered to God-centered views and practices of sex. We are moving away from greedy personal practices to thanksgiving to God in earnest appreciation of all he created it to be. Stott says this well.

In itself thanksgiving is not an obvious substitute for vulgarity, since the latter is essentially self-centered and the former God-centered. But perhaps this the point that Paul is making …. Paul is setting vulgarity and thanksgiving even more plainly in opposition to each other, namely as alternative pagan and Christian attitudes to sex. Of course Christians have a bad reputation for being negative towards sex. … But the reason why Christians should dislike and avoid vulgarity is not because we have a warped view of sex, and are either ashamed or afraid of it, but because we have a high and holy view of it as being in its right place God’s good gift, which we do not want to see cheapened. All God’s gifts, including sex, are subjects for thanksgiving, rather than for joking.

More to come later this week.