I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was 25 years old. I am 40 now, and while diabetes is not exactly my friend, it is certainly no longer my enemy. Otherwise, I’ve enjoyed relatively good health—it all depends to whom you are comparing yourself, right? But in the last year, I’ve had a series of annoying, debilitating issues—sinus infections, plantar fasciitis, and a recurring infection in my back. In the middle of it all, I found a lump in my breast and had to have a biopsy on it (it was benign).
I am blessed to have good insurance and an informed arsenal of helpful doctors. I get better, and I remember what it is like to feel good. Then I digress. The heel pain from the plantar fasciitis is the worst. Everything I do requires my feet (except typing this blog post). With a 3 and 5 year old, I have to get up and walk. And it hurts ALL the time.
My standard of housekeeping is lower. I stay in the house more. The boys watch more TV than some might say is a good idea. And I give myself grace on that. But there is a place that concerns me – it’s very easy to justify reactions that are not like Christ because I feel bad. It may take a while for me to get back the consistent energy level I used to have. I’m ok if my house is a little messier for a while – I’m not a neat freak so that doesn’t stress me. But I still have a Biblical obligation to love as God defines the term, to be patient with my children, and to be hopeful for my future (after all I KNOW that God will not disappoint me – Isaiah 49:23).
So how do you be sick and godly? I can be well and sort of godly, but when I’m sick, I’m discouraged, frazzled, and short tempered. When my feet ache and my boys need yet another something right after I’ve sat down, I get angry. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to them. It’s not fair to my husband. I want to help him in the ways God designed me to help. He’s working hard to provide for our family as God has called him to do. It just doesn’t seem right.
How do you be sick and godly? How do you watch multiple conflicting needs go unmet because you are physically unable to meet them and not get angry or bitter? I reached a limit this week. I sat in my chair crying as my boys asked me to get them a drink. They were THIRSTY. They are little and can’t reach the cups on their own. That is a legitimate need! But I had just sat down and my feet hurt so bad.
You know what I did? I humbly emailed a group of sisters in Christ. And they came through for me! Their ministry of grace to me reset my system. Two different friends took my boys to the park. Another took them to her house even though it was my turn to host the playdate. Another took them to church for me Sunday so that I could go home and rest. I want to be the friend who takes the meals to the new mom, who cares for the kids of the sick parent. I want to be the strong wife who supports her husband. Instead, I am the needy one. Instead of me sacrificing to meet all their needs, they are stopping to meet mine. And that is HUMBLING. But it also is beautiful. God doesn’t let me live in delusions of independence even though my human nature longs to go there. I want to be independent, self sufficient, and reliable. God forces on me dependence – dependence on Him and dependence on His Body.
How do you be sick and godly? I still don't know exactly, but I do know God has called me in this moment to HUMILITY. I have to lay it down. I can’t do it. I can’t be the capable wife and mom with it all together. I can’t even keep up a façade, let alone the real thing. I need Christ’s Body. Tonight, I am praising God in particular for older single friends with a love for kids who took mine, ran them ragged, and handed them back to me WORN OUT. But they didn’t even know to offer until I sobbed out at the end of my rope, “I need help.” That’s humbling. Yet, I have hope for tomorrow that I did not have two days ago because God humbled me and used my sisters in Christ to minister grace to me that equips me now to face tomorrow without despair. I’m reminded tonight that it is more than OK to be humbled.
19 comments:
Love you, Wendy. Miss you and praying for you.
I'm sorry I don't know you personally or I would come to help as well. I've had physical issues in the past which have prevented me from taking care of my children also, it's no easy thing to deal with! (I have plantar fascitis too, I know how painful it is!) One thing which helped when they were little was that I'd take a nap with them in the afternoon so I could put my feet up and rest too. If your boys don't nap maybe you could all pile on your bed with a stack of books and read aloud for a while, or color, or play with cars, whatever quiet activity they enjoy most. I don't know if that helps or not, but here is some Scripture which has encouraged me.
"Then he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weaknesses.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:9-10; See also 2 Cor. 4:7-10, 17-18.
Well, I hope that helps a little. Be encouraged, this too shall pass! And one day you'll be able to look back on this time and see just how gracious and sustaining that Christ really was in the midst of this trial!
Wendy, I have lived this post...and continue to do so. If you scamper around on my blog you'll see it without looking very hard. A few things I have learned. Very simply, I am too independent to be effectual in the body, without this. I have to learn to need others. Sounds like you may be experiencing that same thing. I suspected as much from your fb post the other day...which is what prompted my reply that this was "precious." The care and love of others is precious....and so is the embracing of this lesson. "Count it all joy."
I am learning that God never wastes time and so this experience is purposeful... I should not ask for it to be removed unless He's done with it. Amy Carmichael's book, "Rose From Brier" was and still is very instructive to me.
Last, (well, in this process, I don't believe there ever is a "last") I am learning to call this what it is. Weakness and suffering. My pride disallowed those terms for a very long time. God is expanding my vocabulary in order to grow humility in me. I said in another post that I want to be that grace-full woman. Then I have to get quite a lot of "me" out of the way. So I am learning to cherish this experience (a little here: http://liftingmists.wordpress.com/about/ ). This poem has blessed me as well:
http://liftingmists.wordpress.com/2010/05/26/i-was-longing-to-serve-the-master/
Will pray for you. Please pray for me!
Your friend,
Diane
Thank you for the encouragement!! Bina, I sent you an email.
Andi, I may try your suggestion about joint rest time. Those verses are a good place for me to meditate right now.
Diane, I will read more on your blog about your story. I've read a bit but not all. I like what you said about being too independent to be effective in the Body. Yep.
Wendy,
I too have plantar fascitis and find it very annoying and painful. You may already be doing this, but I googled pf exercises & stretches and found a couple that really help. I also searched out natural alternatives for pain and right now am finding great relief with tumeric and astaxanthin (I do take fish oil too). May I suggest you search under "inflamation" at vitacost.com or iherb.com, & read through products and reviews. Reading reviews can be very helpful. Often I then google the product and/or ingredients to get further info/research.
I appreciate your blog and look forward to reading Practical Theology for Women. Praying for you.
Hi Wendy
I don't have an answer to How to be sick and godly - although with all my various ailments I should have thought this through years ago! But what I have been pondering much over recent months is that God will do with us whatever brings Him most glory. As you allow the Body to serve you, you give Him glory, others see how the body works and give Him glory then through it all you are being taken deeper in your relationship with Him (and letting us share in that with you)which in turn gives Him glory. I glibly say "I will let God do with me as He wants in order for Him to be glorified" but just as you described want to be the fully functioning part of the body not the one in need! My head knows that God does with us what we need, not what we want but my heart breaks with what that looks like at times in my own life and in the lives of those I love. I have no doubt you will learn ways (and are learning ways) to be more Christ-like in this period of sickness that could be achieved no other way. It doesn't mean we can't pray for healing (in His will) and for particular strengthening by His Holy Spirit for this time. Love & prayers C x
Hi Wendy,
Although I'm not glad that you are going through this suffering, it is comforting to see someone else with similar questions. I'm struggling with my health right now as well(although it's depression and not plantars or diabetes that's my current thorn in the flesh) and this is something I've also wondered about. I guess we'll both have to learn and pray and trust that God will show us the way. :)
May God bless you richly even within your sufferings,
Natasha
Wendy:
I read you post today and value hearing about your struggle to glorify the Lord while still in pain. I have had chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, and multiple food and airborne allergies for many years. I know the pain of plantar facitius and the relief from finally finding it was from food allergies. Now I can get out of bed in the AM without pain, walk, etc.! It's amazing what food issues do to inflame our bodies! I was on four serious meds before stopping wheat. Within a week I was pain-free!
I "second" the book Rose from Brier. That was a real treasure to me during a very difficult patch in my life.
Praying for you as you learn new ways of glorifying the Lord and as He reveals His answers for you.
Nancy...wheat for me too. I am soooooooooo much happier--literally head-to-toe--without it!
Hmmmm. Wheat. I'm pretty much a no wheat person just due to the fact of how it affects my blood sugars as a diabetic. Did anything else affect it? Dairy maybe?
Yes, dairy. An elimination diet might help you pinpoint some sensitivities of which you may not be aware. I can share more by messaging you on fb or something if you want...so as not to gum up this thread. :)
Hang in there, Wendy. I too have dealt with chronic foot (& knee) pain for many years due to joint inflammation. As a stay-at-home mom of a 1yr and 5yr old, having to rest your feet is very difficult and brings on so much mommy-guilt. In my case the more time I spend on my feet, the more severe the inflammation is and thus the pain level. One thing I've found helpful is searching for acceptance. Once I was able to accept that I may never be able to exercise/run/bike/marathon shop/race my kids, etc again and that this is my new normal, I had so much more peace. Being angry that I couldn't do what other people could and frantically searching for the correct diagnosis, cure, treatment, or medicine just made my life miserable. So instead I prayed for God to help me accept my body as it is and do the best I can with it.
Also, my husband bought me custom-sized fatigue mats (like you see cashiers standing on) and covered the kitchen floor in them as a Valentine's present. It was the best present ever. I can now again enjoy cooking dinner for my family every night (and breakfast and lunch and countless snacks).
What a thoughtful husband, SleepyMom!! You have hit the nail on the head. Acceptance. I'm not there yet. I still feel guilt -- plagued despite my understanding of grace with the idea of what I SHOULD be doing as the godly wife and mom, but feeling like doing none of it. Ever. "Being angry that I couldn't do what other people could and frantically searching for the correct diagnosis, cure, treatment, or medicine just made my life miserable. So instead I prayed for God to help me accept my body as it is and do the best I can with it." I read this and tear up. This is where I am at.
I tear up too Wendy.
It has been helpful for me to remember that acceptance and resignation are different things. In acceptance I am saying "This is my lot today. You made this day, Father. Please help me to realize Your purposes in this and to embrace them, rejoice, and be glad." It is not rolling my eyes, throwing my hands in the air and giving up. Today may have been painful, exhausting, supremely frustrating. That does not mean tomorrow will be. But if it is, I am not alone. I have the five beautiful Greek negatives in Hebrews 13:5.
Chronic pain is draining in a way that is difficult to explain. It overcharges emotions, steals sleep, and can poke and prod me to lean upon my own understanding far too easily. If this is indeed the “new normal,” then I need to change the way I think about it. I am learning not to listen to my self-talk when I am sapped like this. Too much time alone is bad for me, as is mental down time (like the minutes...or hours...before I can fall asleep...this time is particularly vulnerable for me). This whole deal requires a mental discipline that I am trying to cultivate. Bad thought patterns are habits that must be broken, just as any other habit we try to subdue. Purely emotional, reactionary responses are rarely godly ones. I must go by what I know. Fall asleep thinking about those things. Fill my reading and music choices with those things. As Deuteronomy talks about, "tie" them to my thick skull, to my hands (anywhere that I park myself doing busy things that don't occupy my mind...like the sink), post these thoughts around the "doorposts" of my house.
I find my mind to be like a car that is out of alignment (until I get to glory anyway)...if I don't keep my hands constantly on the wheel, I end up in the ditch... especially when I am tired and things are very physically challenging. What do I know? What did Joseph know that kept him faithful in the face of perplexing circumstances? And speaking of perplexity, what was it that Paul knew that allowed him to be “perplexed, but not in despair…cast down but not destroyed”? I remember David and his emphasis on praise in Ps. 42 and 43, when he was cast down. “I will yet praise Him”…praise has a way of rewiring the brain. I’m not saying we all run around playing the “Glad Game”…but there is some truth in it. What I think governs who I am. It creates the reactions that reveal my true self. I desperately desire my observable true self to bring Him glory.
What I know is that God is realistic. He knows if I am incapable of doing (fill in the blank). I believe God is more realistic about His goals for us than we are most times. He’s very pleased with baby steps, so long as we keep moving forward. He knows our frame...He remembers we are made of dust. That is not an easy pill to swallow for an independent, perfectionistic woman such as myself. I am still in school.
I loved this: http://strengthfortoday.wordpress.com/2009/10/26/where-am-i-by-j-hudson-taylor/
<3
Sweet friend,
I relate to the forced removal of independence. I wrote here about my feelings about my c-sections from a similar perspective.
I think looking into cutting out wheat might not be a bad idea either. And maybe yeast in general? Can't hurt to try a couple of weeks, anyway. (Not official medical advice really, just a hunch.)
Thank you for the encouragement! I think wheat has been a problem for me and cut it out of my diet a while back just due to my diabetes. My blood sugars stabilized quite a bit after that.
I actually saw a new doctor on Friday and have had amazing (miraculous?) results from it. My feet have felt 100% better. I am still shocked and amazed. If anyone who has PF themselves would like to know what worked for me, I am glad to send info from theologyforwomen@gmail.com.
So many of you are struggling with chronic pain. And I still have diabetes (and maybe tomorrow the PF will flare back up). My faith is strengthened of course because He healed me but also because He didn't heal me for so long. Both have taught me of Him, though in some odd way, the time that He didn't heal spoke as profoundly as when He did. I feel another blog post brewing as I meditate on that one.
Thank you for your post. I struggle with health issues, still with no real diagnosis. I feel your words about wanting to be a good mother and make a good home, enjoying these sweet years while they're young... and yet plagued by pain and fatigue.
Sometimes I have pity parties, sometimes I'm just thankful that I can still be a mom. It definitely keeps me completely dependent on God to get through the day.
Thank you. It's always comforting that I am not alone, and that God can heal, and He has His timing.
-gracee
Although I do not have any children I do struggle with chronic health issues. One way the Lord has been revealing Himself to me through this is a glimpse into the reality that He is sufficient in my complete insufficiency. Often we are quick to recognize this spiritually but when it comes to practically getting through a day-I often miss the boat. Another sweet truth that He is showing me is just like the lilies in the field don't work (toil or spin) they still reflect or reveal their Creator. My Lord has chosen to glorify Himself in me through my health or lack thereof. His grace truly is sufficient!
Hardly comparable, but I'm entering my second trimester of my first pregnancy- and these past few weeks have been more difficult than I openly admit. Acknowledging my new (albeit, temporary) limits, allowing chores to be left undone in favor of some extra rest, and reaching out when I need help, have all been stretching me little by little. I can't fathom how stretching a chronic illness would be.
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