When contemplating the means of God’s grace, it is most humbling and awe-inspiring to know that I can be a means of His grace.
Eph. 4:29 (KJV) Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
Our words to each other have the potential to minister God’s grace to those in our hearing! To me, that is an incredible goal – that my words would minister grace to those who hear me. That those in my hearing would be pointed to Christ and feel equipped to apply the gospel to their issues through my words. It’s just an awe-inspiring goal.
Several women have asked me my perspective on building a gospel-centered women’s ministry. I think this idea of a means of grace is a good foundation. Our women’s ministries need to be places that minister God’s grace to those in our hearing. But how do we do that? I don’t know exactly, but I plan to ponder this over the next few weeks and offer my thoughts as I process them.
My first thought stems from what is becoming the foundational truth of this blog – grace is meaningless without truth, but truth will KILL you without grace. If our women’s ministries are going to minister authentic gospel grace to those who participate, we have to first be places where people can honestly deal with the truth of their condition. It has to be a foundational goal of our functions – women’s bible studies, ladies’ teas, retreats, moms’ groups, and so forth. Is it a safe place for women to honestly face their sins and struggles?
Our church is in the infant stages of women’s ministry. We had our first retreat last fall, which I attended but did not lead in any way. I didn’t know what to expect, but it was exactly what a women’s ministry kickoff should be. They didn’t teach from a particular book of the Bible. It wasn’t focused on how to be a better woman. It didn’t actually have a particular theme. Instead, various leaders in the church simply gave testimony of God’s working in their lives, particularly through brutal circumstances. Some of it was just painful. Some of it though was quite humbling and potentially embarrassing. The first instruction though was that we were to be a safe place for these ladies to be honest. And when your leaders are honest about their pain and shame, it paves the way for those in your ministry to do the same. And you CANNOT apply gospel grace in healing ways until people are honest.
It may be honesty about our own sins. It may be honesty about how others have sinned against us. It may be frank discussion of our personal trials. It may be brutal honesty over our temptations. But each of these must first be brought into the light before they can be soaked in the gospel.
What would happen in your women’s small group bible study if a lady admitted her struggle with sexual immorality JUST THAT WEEK? Would you recoil in horror? Would everyone just clam up? Would you feel that you have to make a point that everyone knows how wrong that is? I remember opening up about something painful in my very first community group. It wasn’t a sexual issue, in fact I can’t now remember what the issue was. But I can definitely remember everyone’s response. They all just shockingly clammed up. I opened up, and it ended the conversation. And I never opened up in that group again. In fact, I was humiliated. I THOUGHT this was supposed to be the place to find support and equipment for dealing with this struggle. And instead, I felt, not exactly condemnation, but embarrassing, awkward silence.
I have heard from SO many women over the years that have finally had a moment of clarity about their sin or other’s sins against them just to be met with condemnation or silence when they brought it into the light. So they learn that church is not a safe place to be honest about sin. And if church isn’t a safe place to bring sin to light, then we are all doomed!
Many of us have spent significant portions of our lives paralyzed by fear of exposure. We respond in groups by either clamming up or deflecting conversation because we DON’T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW THE DEPTH OF OUR ISSUES. And if we ever do give voice to our struggles, we sanitize it. We don’t really want others to know how much we’re hurting right now. And we don’t want anyone to know how much our sin has hurt others.
We must be humble women who are honest about our sin. Instead, so often we are a mix of shame and pride. We’re ashamed of ourselves because of what others have done to us and what we, in turn, have done to others. And we’re too proud to admit it to anyone. We must become women who value CONFESSION. I don’t know where the saying originated that “confession is good for the soul,” but I believe it’s a concept that is taught first in Scripture.
James 5:16 (NAS) Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.
Do you notice the link between healing (which we all want) and confession? We all want to be healed from the ugliness in our lives. But are we first willing to confess—to admit, to acknowledge as true—the ugliness in our lives? Women’s ministry leader, are you honest about your sin—not glorifying the ugliness but also not pretending that you finally have it all together?
If you want to foster an environment with this foundation, it may be wise to start with an event where you have some ladies share the truth of both the ugliness of their lives and how the gospel is transforming it. Couple this with instruction on how to hear of someone’s struggles and appropriately respond. The end of Ephesians 4 is a good text to teach from. It sets up well the contrast between words and responses that undermine our transformation, actually snatching grace away in a moment, verses words and responses that minister grace and equip with the gospel.
May our women’s ministries first and foremost be places where women in our churches can come to receive grace from God that equips them to deal with the issues in their lives.
13 comments:
I quit going to a church because of the exact issue you talk about here (and in your book on Ephesians). It wasn't me who shared an issue honestly regarding sin, but a women's group leader. She opened up about her sin to other church leaders and instead of them listening to her and trying to help her work through the issue, they shunned her and stripped her of her leadership responsibilities. And I thought, "Really? She just confessed a sin to you and this is how you react?" What does that mean for the rest of us sinners who come to this church looking for help? Will we, too, be turned away for being not-good-Christians?
Thank you for so eloquently stating your thoughts. I have found lately that confessing my sins and being honest with others about my faults has brought me a freedom that I have not known before. It has been hard in the past as a pastors wife to be honest with other for fear of judgement. But I find myself being more brutally honest whether because of menopause or the transforming power of Jesus ( I hope it is the later) I don't know; but what freedom it brings! I long for other women to know that freedom; the freedom of being loved "just because" and knowing that you will always have a place at the table and a room in palace, because we are daughters of the King.
Good thoughts, Wendy! IMO, my blogging needs to minister grace to the readers, or shut down. Thanks for your efforts to dispense grace and truth here.
What you are speaking of in this post...the freedom to be deliberately transparent as well as responding in honesty and love...is part of what I consider real graciousness...or grace-full-ness. I want it. The truth is, if we understand our own sinfulness correctly, our knee-jerk reaction should be one of pity and compassion rather than pious finger pointing. If I know (I mean really know) my heart to be "desperately wicked" and have spent time investigating the meaning of those words, I will be "poor in spirit." Why are we surprised that grace does not define us...when we neglect the scriptures? I need the Word, because it reminds me who I am-- and what I am not! In a world smothered in humanism, it alone instructs me to view the LORD as the only One worthy to be "high and lifted up."
Blessings,
Diane
When I was teaching a ladies class recently, we had a member of the class share a sin she had committed. She asked us not to talk about it outside of class. That Sunday someone approached her who had not been in class wanting to discuss the issue. She was devasted and didn't want to return to the class. Thankfully, she did and we openly discussed what had happened. We also talked about the consequences of gossip and the nine characteristics of a successful small group that Rick Warren mentioned in The Purpose Driven Life. Not everyone is as willing to share as I am, so it is important that we protect those who do by showing grace. Thanks so much for this post.
I appreciate what you're saying about ministering grace in women's ministries, Wendy. It reminds of Colosians 4:6, "Let your speech alwasy be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person."
But while we're confessing here, I have to admit that my first response when it gets down to the nitty gritty of your point, is one of resistance. I honestly cannot imagine being completely transparent about my current struggles in my ladies' group. There are some ladies within my church that I trust to be discrete as well as give me wise counsel, encouragement, and accountability; and I have been transparent with a few of them. But I would be afraid that the majority of ladies would not have the same discretion. I know a large part of my resistance is my own pride, as you mention. I don't want the general church population to be privy to my personal business. So one of my questions is, how does one balance transparency and discretion? This is something I've wrestled with for some time. When does confession of my personal trials stop being honesty and start being grumbling/complaining? And when does being truthful about my pain become whining?
I hear you, Ruth. That's why I think you can't do this until it starts with leadership, coupled with instruction from Scripture on how to hear and respond to such honesty. Teaching people how to be transparent without grumbling/complaining and how to handle such transparency without gossip and betraying trust are foundational to setting up this kind of ministry.
Thank you Wendy for writing about this. I am a pastor's wife who just recently started sharing with the people in my church about my struggles with severe depression. Some understand and encourage, some don't understand and keep silent, but some really don't understand and give their moralistic opinions which are discouraging to say the least. I feel vulnerable and scared that people will leave the church because of me, but if I don't share my struggles, then how will they learn that it's necessary to lean on each other and encourage one another in our weaknesses? The right way isn't always the easiest!
THANK YOU Wendy for sharing this. We have been on this road for about a year...coming heavy out of a "doing" mentality. We are learning to trust Jesus and others with what is true about us. And when I say "us" I mean the leadership. We were so broken as a team and have repented to each other (and our body) for our lack of love, humility and grace. We are daily trusting Jesus for what it looks like to take off the masks,step out of the room of good intentions and into the room of Grace. This is the first step in creating a safe environment for our body. Being a model for them of what it looks like to trust and lean into each other...a messy, stumbling, glorious work in progress. But we're in it for the long run :) I feel encourage by your post to keep going!!!
I just recently discovered your blog- I love it! It is so encouraging to me. This post rings so true to me because I have only once or twice encountered groups of Christian women (in an organized, church-ministry setting) where I felt comfortable and safe. There are so many areas of sin that are just taboo to the majority of Christian women, I think more so than to men. I don't know why that is, maybe because we tend to have social expectations that women be quiet, well behaved and passive. Sexual sin is definitely NOT discussed in women's bible studies, and neither are many other pervasive issues like body image. Anyway, thank you for this post. It convicted me about my need to open up more to other people and help create safe environments where the love of Jesus is really being demonstrated, no matter what the sin being discussed may be.
When opening up about our sin, is it important to make sure we are with other believers and maybe even mature believers? The non-Christian will sometimes think "Well, she isn't any better than me or she is worse that I am." They do not have the discernment to see God's grace at work. I have seen that response from watching people in the work place, before I was a Christian. Couldn't this also happen in a large group of women?
That's a good question, Angela. I don't necessarily think it needs to be only with mature believers. I think the important thing is to always connect God's grace to our failures. And while the unbeliever might be able to identify with our mistakes, it is the grace of God through Christ that sets us apart and would hopefully give them a desire for Him as well.
I think there is something wonderfully attractive and warming about a gracious woman. And a gracious woman, to me, is one that has allowed her thoughts, heart, actions/behaviors to be those of God's matchless grace. As we become more like our Saviour our lives will become more grace focused and we will become givers/sharers of grace...in that it will be a natural flow of the Holy spirit through our lives. Living in a counter culture to the world. However it is interesting to note that many woman who have been admired over the years by Christians and non Christians alike are those who are gracious. It could almost be called part of God's common grace, like the rain and sunshine and fresh air, so some character gifts can in some Christians be part of that common grace. But the big difference is that they can do no more than bring admiration to the person, whereas the Christian woman, clothed in grace, brings glory to the God of all grace. to live in His glorious grace...what a privilege.
Regarding the shock value of hearing some sins confessed....one way of preparing for such group sessions would be to be reminded of the raw and truthful stories of the Bible where sin is laid out.....in our face as it were in many of the stories. David and Bathsheba for one but there are so many. This can create a climate where we face that no one is without sin and perhaps lay a foundation that speaks against some sins being so much more shocking than others. I think sin grieves the Holy Spirit just as much if it is in our thought life as in our actions. Jesus taught that in the Sermon on the mount which was for His followers not for non Christians.
Just a thought.......a study which can lay a safer foundation for sharing.
sorry I left out a Non.....
fresh air, so some character gifts can in some non Christians...............
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