Malaise

What is wrong with me?! I have been struggling the last few days. Struggling with … I’m not sure what. I thought I was tired. But my husband took care of the boys so I could sleep in, and that didn’t fix it. I thought it was my messy bedroom. But I cleaned it up to the point that it looks exactly right, and that didn’t help. I finished a crochet project that had languished in my To Do box. I cooked a dinner I thought everyone would like. I wore an outfit I felt good in. And still I sit here thinking, what is wrong with me and what do I need to do to feel better?

Malaise. A vague sense of uneasiness and discontent that colors my responses to everything. It's not PMS. I can't attach it to any particular negative circumstnace. I can’t lift it myself. I can’t tweak my appearance, cross off enough things from my To Do list, or eat, exercise, and sleep enough to lift it. I know as a Christian where I need to go to address it. Yet, even knowing the right answers, there remains a gulf between my reality and my ideals.

So I lecture myself.

God is my sovereign, wise, and compassionate Father. He is intimately aware of the details of my life, and I can trust Him with my circumstances. Christ took my sins on His shoulders to pave the way for me to enter God’s presence. God is transforming me into Christ’s image, and His discipline (His training in righteousness) is a blessing because it roots out sin and wrong thinking in my life. It is a very good thing that God doesn’t leave me in the state He found me but transforms me, even when it involves hard circumstances. Christ is my perfect Bridegroom. The core longings of my heart for relationship are perfectly fulfilled in Him. He loves me, He died for me, and He sits at the right hand of the Father eternally making intercession for me. Apart from abiding in Christ and meditating on the benefits of my relationship in Him, I can do nothing.

After I review the things I know to be true no matter what cloud hangs over my head today, then I pray with Paul's prayer at the end of Ephesians 1 as my model.

“God, I know that you have accomplished something on the cross that is supposed to give me hope and confidence even when I’m tired with a cloud over my head. What do I have in Christ? What does it mean to be conformed to His image? How does that look right now? God, enlighten me. I need to understand the hope of what you called me to be, because I don’t believe this general discontent is consistent with all you have called me to in Christ.”

Then I read the Word. I learned a while back not to seek out verses I think will be helpful to my perceived problem. Instead, I just keep reading wherever I was studying before. Tonight it’s the Psalms. And it’s just about God. Holy is He. Praise the Lord with thanksgiving. It’s not about steps to lift myself out of my malaise. It’s just about the character and worth of my God. When God tells Moses form the burning bush simply, “I AM”, it means something that gives perspective to everything else. Tonight I am reminded, God is. God is holy. God is worthy. And I lay back and meditate on that alone, allowing it to sink down into the parched ground that surrounds my heart tonight. He has met me in my need with the simple facts of His character and worth. My malaise isn't necessarily lifted. But I have perspective now, and that makes all the difference.